Old News

Well, in case anybody has been wondering, I did manage to row my millionth meter on May 7. I celebrated afterward by going out a chain restaurant and having a big steak and then going promptly to sleep. Then I took a day off the erg, and, boom, now I'm back on it again. I need help, sure enough. Still, I can't recommend strongly enough the physical benefits of indoor rowing. Check it out: Concept2 Rowing Machines and Dreissigacker Oars

In bike news, I have this scary bit to pass on. On June 11, despite every sane part of me revolting against the idea, I will be at the starting line for The Assault on Mt. Mitchell in Spartanburg, South Carolina. Closer to the event, I'll provide more info.

Small and maybe irrelevant setback during these last few indoor rowing sessions leading up to the millionth meter: I had to cut my session in half this evening on account of a tweak in my lower back. Shit! But hey, I've been burning lots of matches lately in the keeping-busy department: writing a lot, riding bikes a lot, grading lots of student material at the end of the semester, not to mention going my usual form of 75%-of-max crazy. What happens then? Form on the rower goes to hell, and the back starts to hurt. As of now, however, I'm holding steady with my plan to hit my millionth meter on Monday, May 7, my 44th birthday, during a a marathon row of 42,195 meters (that's more than three hours on the erg, friends: ouch!). But yeah, if you're not familiar with the whole indoor rowing thing, check out this site: Concept2 Rowing Machines and Dreissigacker Racing Oars They'll send you a bunch of free stuff--instructional videos, guide books, et cetera--if you request it. Anyway, I started indoor rowing a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving, and I can't tell you 1) how much I appreciate what time on the erg has done for me and 2) how wacko I've gone spending so many hours rowing to nowhere. Awesome!

What else? If you're in Carbondale on a Monday evening, check out the Monday Night Paceline Ride. Info on it is available on the SIUC Cycling Club link below.

News here, however, is small but not altogether unpleasant: Temps are warm in Carbondale. Cycling's been great. Indoor rowing has been great, too. I'm 90,000 meters away from my millionth meter on the Concept II erg. I'm writing regularly about nothing in particular, or nothing I want to talk about in public, and I'm enjoying the writing. And my buddy Chief Reimbold's birthday is tomorrow. A crew from Carbondale is going to ride bikes down to Anna, Illinois, and get us a pork sandwich and a coke at Dixie Barbecue, then blast back home. Should be, as all bike rides in search of sandwiches are, heaven.

Hey, all. I hope you have been well. I've been going through some serious life changes in my neck of the woods these last few months, and 1) I don't want to talk about it, really and 2) I absolutely don't want to write about it! Meantime, I've been writing about other things and of course riding bikes and, my new thing, rowing several days a week. I'm almost to the million meter mark on the indoor rowing machine, for whatever that's worth.

1-1-07 Happy New Year, folks. My hope is that I will be even a bigger asshole this year, that everything I want to go right will go wrong, and that even more people will hate me by year's end. Seriously. The way things have been going, if I make it a point to hope for bad shit to happen, good things will.

For those of you wondering about the Holiday Challenge 2006 and whether I made, yes, I have made it. I rowed in excess of 200,000 meters between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

For those of you wondering what's next, I can only say, shit, who knows? And who cares?

Here in Carbondale, I ride and write and row to nowhere. My meters to this date for the Holiday Challenge 2006 are 121,000. A week ago, I was really tweaked just about everywhere. Today, after brutal intervals this afternoon with the great Alan B, I am not so tweaked. This is how life goes. We get used to the suffering.

You all have seen the following clip, of course, but hey, why not see it again? (Reminds me of Tony Earley somehow.) YouTube - Big Tim is Dead 2.0

The rest: I row at the Student Recreation Center late afternoons, trying to get a T-shirt in the 200K meters in this: Holiday Challenge 2006 And by the way, that rowing-on-the-erg stuff, it really hurts. Just tonight, I rowed with my friend Alan, and he put the hurt to me worse than I've hurt on a bike in I can't remember when. As of today, in the Holiday Challenge, I have rowed 70,000 meters, and most every part of me feels agony, except for the parts that feel really good, which are numerous, too.

Here's a link to a great Dixie Dregs tune, "Country House Shuffle," recorded live in 1993. Camera work and sound, well, who cares? The spirit of the tune rules the day. And check out Rod Morgenstein, drummer, playing all the cymbals at once! YouTube - Dixie Dregs - Country House Shuffle - Atlanta '93 (3 of 3)

And who couldn't find amusement in what Eric Johnson is wearing? YouTube - Eric Johnson - Cliffs of Dover But then again--theme of the day here--who cares? Listen to his fingers making a joyful noise!

And me, I literally do have blisters on my fingers but not from playing guitar. I'm trying to do the 200K version of this (for the T-shirt, of course): Holiday Challenge 2006 I'm down at the SIU Student Recreation most every late afternoon suffering on the erg, as the rower is known, if you feel like making fun of me in person.

Some comments on the hate email I received from the very friendly L. Wells on Thanksgiving Day:

"Are you really a borderline personality, Mike? I've been thinking that since I started reading your books years ago." --AG in Amherst, Mass.

"You need another sport." --JM, where men wear kilts and toss logs long distances.

"She's right, Mike. You are ugly, and you are an asshole, but I still like you." --PD in Killington, Vermont.

Anyway, there's got to be things to worry about other than a crazy person trying to make me feel worse than I already feel about life.

You can hear Hermann's music on these sites, and wow, it's still incomparably brilliant and unearthly. Plus, what happened to Hermann, as both these websites and my book Lummox point out, remains as mysterious as his music. More on this, I hope, with further investigation.

Another one will up up shortly. Thanks to Chef Guido for his editorial help...and sharp knives.

So yeah, I make up a lot of bullshit, obviously; that basically goes hand in hand with my sunny whackjob personality, but I'm not making this next bit up. I received a nice Thanksgiving email from an L.Wells, a person who I don't know personally but who knows someone I know, and she (I'm pretty sure she's a she) writes this:

Your shit has obviously never been together or you wouldn't treat people with such disdain and disrespect. You, sir, are a very small man. "Loser asshole" doesn't even BEGIN to cover it. "Fucking piece of shit" only gets at your asshole. "Disgustingly slimy and infest rat" is for your good days - the days you close your laptop and your fucking trap and leave the world alone.

Do the world a favor and remove your crass, unoriginal site. Every link, every photograph, every word oozes with narcissism or borderline personality drivel. Do your children a favor and spend as little time with them as possible so that they may have some semblance of normalcy, as much as it probably is far too late for them. "Daddy fucks other women and destroys them, all the while laughing and blogging lines like 'Life's been worse, though.' Be proud, children, for his mustache is trimmed and his bicycle is shiny. He hopes this will blind any innocent onlookers, especially you, little girls." It doesn't work that way, though, for children watch our every move; they see our every misstep; they remember every time their mother cried because their daddy was so consumed with his own desires and needs and ego."

And there's more. If you'd like a complete copy of the email, just drop me a note, and I'll happily forward it to you. I will make this comment: My bike is rarely shiny, and I have published entire books to that effect.

Anyway, aren't the holidays a happy time? Me, I'm having a nice narcissistic time looking at myself in the mirror and telling myself I'm the greatest person who ever lived on this earth. When I'm done with that, I don't know what I'll do, probably find more ways to congratulate myself on a perfect life. And oh yeah: I'm on jury duty next week. Maybe the Jackson County Clerk of Courts will take me off jury duty and put me on trial for being an asshole! Ho!

And the next installment should be up sometime in the middle of next week. And with luck people won't post such bitchy comments about the piece.

Look at you, dude. Your hair's a mess, you haven't shaved in a week, your black Wisconsin T-shirt has a hole in the armpit....

I don't know. I can't remember. My mind's on other things, people, places, et cetera.

Okay then. I can see you're fairly nonresponsive. Let me ask you some questions then.

Oh, a variety of things. For example, Zorro continues pissing me off. Home of Zorro

Well, whoever the fuck it is, Mike, you should let it get to you. You're better off letting well enough alone.

But listen, sooner or later, everything in my life is going to turn out that way: "Leave it alone, Magnuson." How many times have I heard that?

So, Mikey, are you planning on complaining and being irreverent and goofy on your nonblog this week?

No. I saw the ambulance coming for him, but I was up the road maybe ten minutes from the guy or maybe not so far up. In fact, he could well have been in pack I was in near the end when he collapsed. I just don't remember. Same thing was happening in my brain at the time that happens to all riders in the Bridge to Bridge, at that point of the event: I was hanging on, knowing the last climb, as it were, was drawing nigh, and all I could do was look forward. I remember, about a half hour before that, on the uphill part of the Linville Viaduct, I got pissed at a guy for a stupid attack he threw down, and I chased up to him and told him to quit being a jackass, then this guy was with my group for a while, then he blew. And geez, I hope that wasn't the guy who died. In any case, I feel badly about calling that person a jackass, despite the fact he was riding like one. And I really feel badly for the dead rider's family and for the Bridge to Bridge organizers. Tough stuff.

Well, no. I mean, the sport is dangerous to begin with: You could crash; you could be hit, as I once was, by a truck; you could hit a tree when you're mountain biking; or your heart could fail. Everybody who rides bikes knows the risks, and I don't mean to sound cold or uncaring, but you have to admit, it would be better to pass on while biking, while being active, than falling off a barstool.

Yeah, I'm excited about that. And in a couple of days I'm going backpacking on an assignment for Backpacker magazine.

In the Grayson Highlands of Virginia, near Mt. Rogers. And this guy's blog is starting to annoy the shit out of me: Home of Zorro

Yeah. I couldn't help myself. I mean, sometimes, when something comes along that is just too difficult to resist, well, what's a person to do but go for it?

First on Saturday, the 16th, I'm involved with this: Sheila Simon - Newsletters - August 2006 (scroll down to find Bike the Dale). And that doesn't end till who knows? Then, at noon-thirty, I'm stopping by the Boys and Girls Club in Carbondale to support their first-annual Bikefest. Then I'm driving ten hours from Carbondale to Lenoir, NC, whereupon I will sleep for about twenty minutes, then get up, suit up in my bike kit, and head out the door for the event!

Hmm. I'm smiling over here, thinking about you being involved in a political campaign.

You mean Sheila's bike event? Why not? I'm supporting Sheila Simon's candidacy for Carbondale mayor because, among other things, she rides bikes; she's got a lot of good ideas to make this community a better place; and she's a cool person, too.

Wow, Mag. I can't believe you're civic-minded after all. You usually seem, I don't know how else to say it, mostly all about Mike.

And oh yeah: Check out this guy's blog: Home of Zorro Good gravy. Why on earth would somebody even bother?

No doubt. I think we should post comments on his blog and tell him to suck eggs, et cetera.

That's right: good old crazyass fiction, just like I wanted to work on when I was a young man all those kabillion years ago.

I don't know, Mike. You're not the man you used to be. You seem like you've changed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You are so incredibly boring with that doing-the-same-shit-all-the-time crap.

But, you know, one thing or the other comes up that might be of interest. For interest, blogs, as I have noted many times on this website, really annoy me, mostly in the sense that what do people do with their time? Sit on their asses and read each other's blogs? When they should be reading Rabelais? Or going on a hike? Or lifting weights or something? So here's a link to a blog at the university where I'm not teaching this term: Bulletin Board: MFA Carbondale I guess you're supposed to read it and make positive comments about people you don't know. That's what blogs are for, right?

Mostly nothing. Soon, I expect I'll make a series of dramatic announcements, but for the moment I can't spell all the words involved. I receive nice emails from people, and I try to write back.

Good deal, Mike. I'm gonna leave you to your own devices for a while then. See you at noon-thirty.

I'm serious. Look at me walking around. See that gimpy stride? I always walk like I have something up my ass, but I don't have anything up there. See?

The usual stuff, I guess. Check this out: A guy I knew from grad school--I guess I was his writing professor one term, too: long story--has got a book of short stories coming out. And that's awesome. I'm thrilled for the guy. He's a really nice guy, too. Like who the hell isn't, right? So I get a publicity email on him, and it's got the usual kissass blurbs in it by the usual kissass important writers, one of whom, in this case, is George Saunders, who my students think is a God, and I don't know: I think Dostoyevsky is a God. But that doesn't matter. Check out the wording at the end of the blurb Mr. Saunders wrote: "The best stories in this book remind us of the real and only purpose of fiction: to recalibrate the heart."

Exactly. What a complete load of manure! No wonder I don't want anything to do with literature. The amount of smoke being blown in those few words, yikes, it's worse than, I don't know what it's worse than. Something producing an unbelievable quantity of smoke.

Recalibrate the goddam heart. Man, if you want your heart recalibrated, get off your ass and get some exercise! If you want to read some fiction, sit your ass back in the chair and read some fiction.

I don't want to! Recalibrate the heart. Dostoyevsky isn't recalibrating your heart; he's ripping it out of your chest and showing you it's worm-eaten and and not worth putting in a pot to stew.

None. I'm writing, riding bikes, and enjoying my sabbatical from the university.

Yes. For instance, when I run up a hill because there's a log in the way, as in the picture above, that is on purpose.

Not too much. I've been working at the desk and making some halfass attempts at writing.

A bit of both. I've been writing the article about my time on the Blue Ridge Parkway and have been making myself laugh remembering the things that went on out there.

But, Mike, you were riding your bike a hundred or more miles a day and climbing at least 10,000 feet a day. How could that possibly be funny?

Dude, you should have been there. It was easily the best time I had in my life, at least in nine years, since I was a fellow at the Breadloaf Writer's Conference, and heretofore that was the best time I had ever had in my life.

Well, yeah, it was. I guess I'm more into cycling and hanging around with cyclists than I am hanging around with writers. But wait. That's not entirely true. Some of my best friends are writers. But then again, that's not true, either. All of my best friends are cyclists, except for maybe Guido and Dave.

Way too much. Last week, I went on an incredibly epic and awesome bike tour of the Blue Ridge Parkway with the folks at Black Bear Adventures.

Everything is special about that. Damn! We're talking five spectacular days of riding and eating and laughing and...

Well, I'm writing about the experience for Bicycling magazine, so I'm going to say what I have to say about the trip there instead of here.

Um, yes, but then again, it isn't. I will say this: I met a bunch of really strong cyclists from Charleston, South Carolina, many of whom were based out of this excellent bike shop: Charleston Bicycle Company

Yeah. I really dug the Woodberry Inn in Floyd, Virginia, and I dug Asheville, North Carolina, almost too deeply for words and want to win the lottery and move there permanently, and I went to see this great band in Asheville called Sons of Ralph Matter of fact, Sons of Ralph is now the official favorite live band of Lummox.org.

Meantime, I'm spending a lot of time at the desk these next few weeks and, if I'm lucky, a lot of time on the bike getting ready for the cyclocross season, which is under two months away. I've been hearing from many cool people in Internetland, too, and I hope that keeps keeping on.

I'm all right. Just tired from a great week of riding and am now doing my best to focus on some big work projects coming up.

No. My mind, like my body, is blown. I like it this way. The world feels so pleasantly mushy and squishy and warm.

Okay, I'm tired of pretending I'm a we, that I'm a large staff of dedicated Lummox.org workers who live in a compound somewhere in the sun.

Dude? Have you been under the illusion all this time that people believe Lummox.org has been anybody but you?

Man, you've been playing that same old boring tune since the beginning. Have you been doing anything? Or are you just a middleaged male bullshitting himself into thinking he's worth something.

Aren't you supposed to be a public figure or something? Are you supposed to be devoting your life to hawking your books and interacting with the public?

I'm kind of an asshole, I guess. Or at least that's what some of my students tell me.

Sure. This Sunday, I'm driving out to Asheville and meeting up with a group of cyclists who will attempt riding the entire Blue Ridge Parkway in five days.

We don't really even know what to say; it's been so long since we've updated. Troubles a-plenty have been ongoing here at the compound, we guess. Or better yet: Mike got a hold of a new computer a few months ago and never bothered to procure Frontpage till yesterday.

Anyway, this post is a test of the software. If it works, he'll try being more useful with respect to news and other things.

4-16-06 Happy Easter. We feel we have now proven successfully that ain't no blogging going on here at Lummox.org, so for the moment, we'll drop the subject.

1) Mike will be hanging around at the Tour de Georgia this coming week, riding some of the routes, et cetera. On Friday afternoon, if you see a very unhappy 42-year-old cyclist grinding his way to the top of Brasstown Bald, that will be Mike. Don't bother speaking to him; he won't understand you.

2) If you're crazy like Mike is and want to go on a really epic ride, how about riding the entire Blue Ridge Parkway this summer in five days? Nearly 500 miles and 50,000 feet of climbing? In FIVE DAYS! Sound nuts? Sound like fun? Mike is into it. And we're happy to announce that Black Bear Adventures in North Carolina has found a way to make it happen for Mike, and if you want, you can come along, too. Check out this link for more details: Blue Ridge Epic

As to the rest, everything is fine here in southern Illinois. Mike has been training fairly regularly and working at his desk way too much. One of these days, he's hoping to finish the novel he's been dinking around with for the last year. Could be soon.

2-17-06 Oh, don't you wish we were feeling bloggy? We could say, wow, we made some observations today about lots of NEAT STUFF. Or we have some really INSIGHTFUL political opinions. Or we....

And Guido is still gone. And Dave Neis is still 29. And Magnuson is still riding his bike too much and--this is new--playing drums in a band too much and--this is practical--working on his novel too much and--this is, um, very rewarding--working with his students too much. We believe he's as crazy as shit. And he believes he is, too!

The news, anyway, is slight. Mike has decided to blow off the Rouge Roubaix and instead go that weekend on a training camp with his Team Heckawee brethren in Hot Springs, Arkansas. It won't be a race, but it's a-gonna be a kickass good time. And what else? Mike will be in Chattanooga, Tennessee, at the end of March, and we're assuming he'll let us know more about that when the time approaches.

And to all of you who have written Mike recently about cycling and other cool stuff, thanks, thanks. Keep on checking in. Mike likes hearing from you.

1-30-06 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't give us any more shit about not updating. We are not, as we have insisted, bloggers here. Were we bloggers we could offer, on a daily basis, our opinions on stuff like A Million Little Pieces: e.g., the book has done a lot of people a lot of good; who cares if the author fiddled with exact facts?; and moreover, Oprah obviously ain't no expert on books, and she's the most powerful person in publishing? And America is just going to sit on their asses and take this bullshit?

The picture above, anyway, is Mike's cross bike, his Gunnar Crosshairs, and he's been really giving it a pounding all winter. What a great bike! And what a great lifestyle crossing is! The only low point during this fabulous cycling winter in southern Illinois has been the the vasectomy Mike underwent 10 days ago. He was forced, under those conditions, to take a week off the bike, but he's back now and really likes riding out of the saddle.

In other news, Chef Guido has left Carbondale for good, and we are now accepting applications for a new Guido or for someone who wants to redesign this website in a non-Guido way.

Our longtime friend Dave Neis celebrates a birthday this weekend. We think he's turning 30 but then again, he might be a younger puppy than that. He actually has a puppy these days, and as long as that puppy doesn't grow into a dog that chases bicycles, we like it.

If you pick up the current issue of Bicycling, you will see an article Mike wrote about the Rouge Roubaix road race. He'll actually be racing there again in March, in the B race. Please show up and drop him.

And finally, Mike will be giving a reading this Wednesday night, 6 p.m., at Big Shark Bicycle Company in St. Louis. Should be cool.

10-05-05 Mike's in a weird too-much-slash-too-little mode at the moment, which is to say he's well into gear on lots of things, and he's, well, not well into gear figuring out how to handle them.

2) Next Wednesday night, October 12, at 7:30, you can catch him reading a very weird short story in Palos Heights, Illinois, at the Palos Heights Public Library Open mic. Should be weird. For details, carefully check out this link: Palos Heights Library Reading

3) Next Thursday, October 13, at noon-thirty, you can catch Mike reading at the Moraine Valley Community College Library. Check out this link for details: Moraine Valley Reading

4) He'll be racing next weekend, October 15, here in Carbondale at the Ronde von Evergreen

In other news, not that there should be any, we found the other day a very cool and honest review of Heft of Wheels: A Field Guide to Doing a 180, and we thought we should point you to it: Cool Review

And while Mike was in Mankato, Minnesota, last week, he stumbled upon evidence that his old roommate, Michael Lohre, has done some interesting stuff in the years since they were roommates. Lohre fronts an extremely entertaining band called Cropchecker and he's also done some spectacular writing, links to which you can find on his site. Drop Lohre a note and say Magnuson sent you.

We encourage you, as always, to check out Mike Magnuson's coach, Michael Pease, here: Smart Endurance Training Systems Just this week Tuesday, Coach.Pease and Mr. Magnuson teamed up to do a two-man time trail on Spillway Road here in Carbondale, and the results, which neither of them can remember, were painful and shockingly fast. They really rode hard. But seriously, if you're looking for Internet coaching, we really think you should check out Coach Pease.

On a similar note, if you're looking for inspiration, check out Sam Wade's website Sam's one of the big guys Mike wrote about in Bicycling magazine a couple of months back, and you might be surprised at just how committed is to turning his life around. Drop Sam a note and let him know you're rooting for him. We sure are.

Okay then. Maybe next week, we'll start blogging. Nah. Fuck that. We'll post some more news.

9-24-05 Where the heck you been, Mike? How come you ain't been updating yer site? You still riding yer bike? You still alive? You still hate blogs? You still care about anything?

Mike says, "Listen, I just haven't felt like riding herd over my lazy staff for many months and getting them to do anything about this site, and, um, well, shoot, living in obscurity is a wonderful thing. I've had a great time these last few months riding bikes with my buddies and hanging out with friends and family. And I've been working hard on a novel and some articles and doing some reading. And the university is back in session, and, despite evidence to the contrary, or at least evidence my detractors would say is contrary, I really dig teaching and am trying to do an excellent job because, what the hell, that's what I get paid to do!"

So do you have any news, Mike, or are you just going to waffle around making a bunch of lame excuses?

Mike will be traveling to Mankato, Minnesota, next week to give a reading at his M.A. alma mater, Minnesota State University in Mankato (he also holds an M.F.A. from the University of Florida). He will be on the Mankato campus basically the whole day of September 29. Details for the event are available here: Good Thunder Reading Series

Mike's cycling coach, the honorable Michael Pease, has started a very good internet coaching business, and we can't possibly endorse the quality of Mr. Pease's coaching enough. He has helped Mike in the last couple of years to enjoy cycling and not just think of it as a desperately crazy way to keep from being fat but as a very fun way of life. Here's where to find Mr. Pease's business: Smart Endurance Training Systems Check it out, and tell him Magnuson sent you.

On October 1, Mike will return once again to the Tour de Cape in Cape Girardeau, Missouri. This is a great century with some of the finest rest stops in the business! Tour de Cape

On October 12 and 13, Mike will be giving a couple of readings in the Chicago area, in Palos Heights. Stay tuned for specific locations and times.

And here's some real-thrill news: Carbondale will be hosting its first cyclocross race, the Ronde von Evergreen, on October 15. You may register for the event and view the event flier at this link: Ronde von Evergreen As you can see, Mike will be racing in the B race, and he invites you to travel to Carbondale and whip him! You will also note that Mike is racing for something called Heckawee. What the heck is that?

6-24-05 We're trying to slow down or to speed up, we can't remember which. Telling you this much, we don't really care either way. And why this attitude? It's summer, friends, and we ain't doing nothing we don't have to do.

To wit, Mike's staying home from the races indefinitely and is, instead, planning on enjoying cycling the way the Great Cyclist in the Sky intended it, which is mellow riding, with friends, near the homestead. Besides, who wants to do all that driving to other cities when there's great cycling right out the back door?

We're hope you're having nice summers, too. Keep writing in and saying hey to Mike. He enjoys hearing from you!

Let us begin first with the grim and the sad. Just before Memorial Day one of Mike's childhood friends, Scott Schmidt, was murdered in his apartment in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Mike hadn't seen the guy for a few years--four years, he says, met up with him last at the Menomonee Falls North High School Class of 1981 20th reunion--and Mike says Scott, who had acquired the name Scooter since high school, was loads of fun; they had bunch of yuks in the parking lot and in general expressed distaste for stupid bullshit like 20th reunions. Man, it's sad to know Scott is no longer with us. He was an entertaining person.

Here's a link to a memorial page put up for Scott. It includes a link or two to information on his death:

In other, happier news, Mike reports really suffering through and consequently really enjoying the Double Metric Century at the Mountains of Misery. Mike somehow was the 12th rider across the line, which is almost too much to believe.

Here's a picture, at the start line, of Mike and the Famous Pigman, Greg Wilson.

In other news, Mike will be making a couple of bookstore appearances in the Chicago area this weekend. Look for him at Anderson's Bookshop on Thursday, June 9, 7:00 p.m. And also at Barbara's Bookstore on June 10, 4:00 p.m. Obviously, you can check the links for more precise info.

5-24-05 Friends and brethren, today marks the paperback release [ed. note: We hate such hack personification] of Heft on Wheels: A Field Guide to Doing a 180. You should be able to find it in book stores everywhere--except of course in Carbondale, Illinois, where Mike lives and remains shunned by local literati for truthful remarks he made about drunk people in Heft--and if you can't find the paperback where you live, you can certainly find it online at the usual online destroyers of our bricks-and-mortar economy. We think we're going to have a party in honor of the release, but then again, probably not. Mike's going out for a long training ride this afternoon with a character from Heft, his buddy Darren, and though training with Darren might be considered to be a party of sorts, well, it ain't the kind of party people for which dignitaries will arrive at the Lummox.org compound ready to get fed.

Besides, Chef Guido is in south Florida. Who would cook? He's posted a few high-larious remarks on his page today. Check em out. He's been watching the Giro d'Italia this year, and it's nigh possible that Guido might be actually riding a bicycle by the end of the summer. We have to say, though, that we're very proud of Guido because he has lost 25 pounds since January 1 of this year. We hear the ladies at his dad's restaurant are consequently all over his manicotti, which is a beautiful thing, both the pasta and the situation. Write Guido and encourage him to stick with the diet and exercise program!

Here's something interesting. Writer Alan Snel is doing an extremely long one-day bike ride through New York State in a few weeks and is chronicling his adventures for the Hudsonian If you have enjoyed Heft, we think you will enjoy what Alan's up to.

Mike received some mention the other day on a blog [another ed. note: Oh, how we hate blogs], and you can see that Mike has no concept whatsoever of public relations. We asked him about it, and he said, "I just don't give a shit, okay?" Here's the blog: Carbondaley Dispatch

Oh, and we forgot to bring up extreme suffering. Mike's heading out to Blacksburg, Virginia, this weekend to participate in the Wilderness Road Ride on Saturday and the infamous Mountains of Misery double metric on Sunday. He'll be speaking at the pasta dinner, 7 pm on Saturday night, which we understand has been sold out, but if you want to find Mike, he'll be hanging around. Look for the dumb-looking Swede wearing Team Mack stuff. He'll have paperback copies of Heft on Wheels for sale, too, should you be interested in getting one and having one signed. Info for the event is here: East Coasters Bike Shops' 2005 Cycling Double Header - Wilderness Road Ride and Mountains of Misery

To all, then, have a safe and happy Memorial Day weekend. And don't just sit on your ass and drink beer and watch the bratwurst sizzle. Ride! Walk! Paddle! Live!

Back for more non-blog news. We hope you've been enjoying the Giro. Great unpredictable racing so far. Today's stage is of particular importance to our own Chef Guido, because it runs into the heart of Abruzzo, childhood home of his beloved mamma.

We'd like to thank Travis McBride for pointing out that we incorrectly identified the composer of the lyrics "Smoking cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo." We should have said (and we have revised the old news to read as much) that Lew Dewitt wrote that song. Mike himself will take credit for screwing this up; he's always been a jazz man, a jazz-rock man, a rock man, a classical man, et cetera, but he's never been very country. He's from Wisconsin, and have you ever heard any country songs about Wisconsin? No.

Hey, what am I gonna say? I'm from Milwaukee. I don't even think we had a country radio station when I was growing up. They have several now, of course, and Cheeseheads are running around near the lakefront with big old Garth Brooks hats and pretending they're gonna mount a horse....

We had to stop Mike right there. He was going to say something very offensive about Garth Brooks, the verb to mount, and its connection with farm animals, but, thank the Lord, we stopped him.

Mike's been having problems like this a lot lately, by the way. Last night on group ride, he made the mistake of telling stories about ugly women in rundown taverns, instead of talking about tires and wheels and handlebars and heart-rate monitors, and some of the riders wanted to know if Mike needed his meds regulated. "Hell no," Mike said. "I just want to talk about something else other than bikes when we're riding them!"

To ride, to mount, to be, to do, to get the fuck out of the old rut! Now we're talking verbs, baby.

So yeah. Mike's heading off to the races this weekend with his buddies, the ones who can race and actually think about things other than racing. He knows the names of his buddies, but he has forgotten the names of the races. One is in Athens, Illinois. The other is in Loami, Illinois. As always, check out the race schedule at STLBIKING for more information.

Twelve days from now, the paperback version of Heft on Wheels will be wandering loose in the world. Hide!

Wow, was that ever a long time between updates, or what? We've been having so much fun around here doing nothing that, well, last thing we were thinking about was the website. Reminds us of a couple lines from that great Lew Dewitt song: "Smoking cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo/ Now, don't tell me I've nothing to do." Damn. Good thing we're not bloggers; otherwise, the whole point to our sorry lives would be lost already. Like what? We haven't posted more opinions on our blog? How the heck will the world function without that?

Blogs, in case you haven't noticed, drive us crazy here at the Lummox.org compound. We seriously suggest, if you need to blog, skip it and go for a walk or go canoeing or go biking. Get outside, people. Smell the air. Stick your face in the dirt! Be part of the world! Don't just sit on your ass and comment on it.

Anyhow, speaking of blogs, Mike has been interviewed by a sort of bloggy-looking site called Slushpile and if you keep checking back there over the next few whiles, they might get around to posting what Mike said to them.

What else is up? Chef Guido, it turns out, thinks nothing--nothing--of using twenty-buck-a-bottle French wine to marinate his pork roast, and for that, we have summarily dismissed him. We hereby renew our call for a new Guido. Anybody out there want to post your own healthy recipes on this website? Or better yet? Any web designers out there want to help us delete Guido from this site entirely? Ha! We're just kidding about the deletion part.

We do have some news. The paperback version (cheap!) of Heft on Wheels: A Field Guide to Doing a 180 will be available everywhere on May 24, just in time for the summer cycling season.

And Mike, well, he's been doing some racing and some good training, and if you drop him a note, he'll tell you all about it.

He'll be riding in both events and giving a very humorous speech at both pasta dinners. He will also be selling paperbacks and signing book, et cetera. Should be awesome!

Oh, we almost forgot the real reason we're updating this week. On Saturday--Mike's 42nd birthday--Mike officially will be nicotine-free for three full years!

Hello, friends. We've been more lax than usual lately, on account of the nice weather, we keep saying. We've got lots of fun events coming up, as usual. Tomorrow, for instance, Mike will race in the famed Hillsboro-Roubaix, for which you can find a flyer at STL BIKING

We'd like to thank everybody who's been writing in to help Mike update our email database, which, as you know, he blew up during his recent computer change. The new computer is nice, though. Don't you think, Mike? Yes, I do. But I keep playing with the computer and not getting any work done. Meantime, keep writing in. Outlook is so much fun!

In Chef Guido news, right, there's no Chef Guido news. We saw him last evening, and he was misty-eyed and thinking about Boca and its accompanying broiled red snapper.

Gotta run now. Check back early next week for a full report on the Hillsboro-Roubaix and a rundown of upcoming events.

First of all, Mike wants to report that his journeys to Springfield, Knoxville, Sylva, and Chattanooga were fantastic indeed. Special thanks to Scott Baker in Sylva, NC, for hurting Mike on the long climb up the Blue Ridge Parkway, and yes, Mike did wet his pants in that tunnel! And also thanks to Dave at Motion Makers in Sylva, for taking Mike on an extremely epic dirt-road ride on Doubletop in a brutally cold rain. Wow. What a ride!

About Guido, we keep trying to fire him, and he keeps not getting fired. Imagine that. Our hearts are too big. His recipe-generator is too small, we think. Notwithstanding this, he's flying to Miami this weekend to attend his brother's wedding and to see his mamma. Wish him luck.

Okay then. Here's the weirdest and worst news. For a long time, Mike has been using a crappy old computer and has had considerable problem with email and other computer-related matters. In short, he finally bought a nice new computer and has gotten it up and running, and yesterday, while configuring his email program, he managed to delete every email he has ever received through this website. Every one. And he can't get them back, either, because he had them all stored on a web-based system. When it happened, Mike proved that just because he's healthier than he used to be, he's not above shouting, "Fuck!" He hereby shouts it again: "Fuck!" Boy, that feels better. Anyway, if you have ever emailed Mike and wish to stay in contact with him, please drop him a note again, so he can get you in his address book and avoid further misery.

Meantime, Mike's off to the Boston area for the next few days to visit his buddy David Krozy, whose emails Mike has also lost. David, if you're out there, man, show me a sign!

3-13-05 Let's keep things short and simple this week. First off, thanks to all the great people in Springfield, Illinois, who showed up to Mike's reading on Thursday night. Wow! What a crowd. That was seriously great.

This coming Thursday, you can catch Mike in Chattanooga, Tennesse, where he'll be a writer in residence at the Meacham Writers' Workshop. Thursday night, March 17, Mike will give a reading with poets Rodney Jones and Earl Braggs, from 7:00 till 8:30 pm, at Chattanooga State Technical Community College, in the Center for Advanced Technology, C-30. Word is, Mike will read some brand-new wacko material that night! Cool! On Saturday morning, March 19, from 10:00 till noon, Mike will give a workshop on writing at UT-Chattanooga, in the Ross Landing Room of the ITC Student Center. These events are free and open to the public, of course.

Oh, and if you want to help a good kid doing a good thing, check out this pdf flyer. Joe Williams: Hard Man of Flanders This guy, Joe Williams, is one of the finest and nicest cyclists ever to come out of southern Illinois, and he's been invited to train with a youth development team this summer in Belgium. Trouble is, he can't afford to go. If you can make it to the event described on the flyer, please consider going; if you can't go, please consider sending a generous donation to the address on the flyer. Joe will appreciate it! Thanks.

3-07-05 Well, well, well. This is going to get complicated. Guido has a friend named Pooter who advises Guido to advise Mike to go for it, and Mike has agreed to do so. What it might be, however, remains as elusive to the Lummox.org staff as Tweety has been, all these sorry-ass years, to Sylvester. For alas, we say, how much joy would come to the world were Sylvester finally to get Tweety in between those two slices of white bread, to hold him in there, wriggling and begging for his loud yellow life, and bite down? Oh! We can hardly contain ourselves, just thinking about it.

Meantime, short news is this: Thursday night at 7 pm, you can catch Mike in Springfield, Illinois. Check out this link for the details: