Old News

I'd say this isn't an update, but I guess it is. Still, I am resolved to put together a revised, more modern version of Lummox.org, but then again, MySpace is free and works so much better than this site! Still, you can reach me at the same old email address: mike at lummox.org Sometimes I forget to reply.

This isn't really an update, folks. Just a note to say that one of these months, or days, or years, I'll rebuild this website with modern technology! Also, I've been having internet trouble (well, Outlook trouble) for almost a year, and this has meant than when I reply to an email using my lummox.org account, this email ends up getting lost in the void. Therefore, I apologize for many of you who have written in and received no response. I mean, I really did respond! Anyway, I have fixed the problem, and as of this morning, people have actually been receiving the emails I've sent them. So if you want to get in touch with me, go ahead and drop me a line at the email address below. And if you're bored, check out my Myspace page. I've got some cool pics posted of this fall's cyclocross season.

Well, in case anybody has been wondering, I did manage to row my millionth meter on May 7. I celebrated afterward by going out a chain restaurant and having a big steak and then going promptly to sleep. Then I took a day off the erg, and, boom, now I'm back on it again. I need help, sure enough. Still, I can't recommend strongly enough the physical benefits of indoor rowing. Check it out: Concept2 Rowing Machines and Dreissigacker Oars

In bike news, I have this scary bit to pass on. On June 11, despite every sane part of me revolting against the idea, I will be at the starting line for The Assault on Mt. Mitchell in Spartanburg, South Carolina. Closer to the event, I'll provide more info.

Small and maybe irrelevant setback during these last few indoor rowing sessions leading up to the millionth meter: I had to cut my session in half this evening on account of a tweak in my lower back. Shit! But hey, I've been burning lots of matches lately in the keeping-busy department: writing a lot, riding bikes a lot, grading lots of student material at the end of the semester, not to mention going my usual form of 75%-of-max crazy. What happens then? Form on the rower goes to hell, and the back starts to hurt. As of now, however, I'm holding steady with my plan to hit my millionth meter on Monday, May 7, my 44th birthday, during a a marathon row of 42,195 meters (that's more than three hours on the erg, friends: ouch!). But yeah, if you're not familiar with the whole indoor rowing thing, check out this site: Concept2 Rowing Machines and Dreissigacker Racing Oars They'll send you a bunch of free stuff--instructional videos, guide books, et cetera--if you request it. Anyway, I started indoor rowing a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving, and I can't tell you 1) how much I appreciate what time on the erg has done for me and 2) how wacko I've gone spending so many hours rowing to nowhere. Awesome!

What else? If you're in Carbondale on a Monday evening, check out the Monday Night Paceline Ride. Info on it is available on the SIUC Cycling Club link below.

News here, however, is small but not altogether unpleasant: Temps are warm in Carbondale. Cycling's been great. Indoor rowing has been great, too. I'm 90,000 meters away from my millionth meter on the Concept II erg. I'm writing regularly about nothing in particular, or nothing I want to talk about in public, and I'm enjoying the writing. And my buddy Chief Reimbold's birthday is tomorrow. A crew from Carbondale is going to ride bikes down to Anna, Illinois, and get us a pork sandwich and a coke at Dixie Barbecue, then blast back home. Should be, as all bike rides in search of sandwiches are, heaven.

Hey, all. I hope you have been well. I've been going through some serious life changes in my neck of the woods these last few months, and 1) I don't want to talk about it, really and 2) I absolutely don't want to write about it! Meantime, I've been writing about other things and of course riding bikes and, my new thing, rowing several days a week. I'm almost to the million meter mark on the indoor rowing machine, for whatever that's worth.

1-1-07 Happy New Year, folks. My hope is that I will be even a bigger asshole this year, that everything I want to go right will go wrong, and that even more people will hate me by year's end. Seriously. The way things have been going, if I make it a point to hope for bad shit to happen, good things will.

For those of you wondering about the Holiday Challenge 2006 and whether I made, yes, I have made it. I rowed in excess of 200,000 meters between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

For those of you wondering what's next, I can only say, shit, who knows? And who cares?

Here in Carbondale, I ride and write and row to nowhere. My meters to this date for the Holiday Challenge 2006 are 121,000. A week ago, I was really tweaked just about everywhere. Today, after brutal intervals this afternoon with the great Alan B, I am not so tweaked. This is how life goes. We get used to the suffering.

You all have seen the following clip, of course, but hey, why not see it again? (Reminds me of Tony Earley somehow.) YouTube - Big Tim is Dead 2.0

The rest: I row at the Student Recreation Center late afternoons, trying to get a T-shirt in the 200K meters in this: Holiday Challenge 2006 And by the way, that rowing-on-the-erg stuff, it really hurts. Just tonight, I rowed with my friend Alan, and he put the hurt to me worse than I've hurt on a bike in I can't remember when. As of today, in the Holiday Challenge, I have rowed 70,000 meters, and most every part of me feels agony, except for the parts that feel really good, which are numerous, too.

Here's a link to a great Dixie Dregs tune, "Country House Shuffle," recorded live in 1993. Camera work and sound, well, who cares? The spirit of the tune rules the day. And check out Rod Morgenstein, drummer, playing all the cymbals at once! YouTube - Dixie Dregs - Country House Shuffle - Atlanta '93 (3 of 3)

And who couldn't find amusement in what Eric Johnson is wearing? YouTube - Eric Johnson - Cliffs of Dover But then again--theme of the day here--who cares? Listen to his fingers making a joyful noise!

And me, I literally do have blisters on my fingers but not from playing guitar. I'm trying to do the 200K version of this (for the T-shirt, of course): Holiday Challenge 2006 I'm down at the SIU Student Recreation most every late afternoon suffering on the erg, as the rower is known, if you feel like making fun of me in person.

Some comments on the hate email I received from the very friendly L. Wells on Thanksgiving Day:

"Are you really a borderline personality, Mike? I've been thinking that since I started reading your books years ago." --AG in Amherst, Mass.

"You need another sport." --JM, where men wear kilts and toss logs long distances.

"She's right, Mike. You are ugly, and you are an asshole, but I still like you." --PD in Killington, Vermont.

Anyway, there's got to be things to worry about other than a crazy person trying to make me feel worse than I already feel about life.

You can hear Hermann's music on these sites, and wow, it's still incomparably brilliant and unearthly. Plus, what happened to Hermann, as both these websites and my book Lummox point out, remains as mysterious as his music. More on this, I hope, with further investigation.

Another one will up up shortly. Thanks to Chef Guido for his editorial help...and sharp knives.

So yeah, I make up a lot of bullshit, obviously; that basically goes hand in hand with my sunny whackjob personality, but I'm not making this next bit up. I received a nice Thanksgiving email from an L.Wells, a person who I don't know personally but who knows someone I know, and she (I'm pretty sure she's a she) writes this:

Your shit has obviously never been together or you wouldn't treat people with such disdain and disrespect. You, sir, are a very small man. "Loser asshole" doesn't even BEGIN to cover it. "Fucking piece of shit" only gets at your asshole. "Disgustingly slimy and infest rat" is for your good days - the days you close your laptop and your fucking trap and leave the world alone.

Do the world a favor and remove your crass, unoriginal site. Every link, every photograph, every word oozes with narcissism or borderline personality drivel. Do your children a favor and spend as little time with them as possible so that they may have some semblance of normalcy, as much as it probably is far too late for them. "Daddy fucks other women and destroys them, all the while laughing and blogging lines like 'Life's been worse, though.' Be proud, children, for his mustache is trimmed and his bicycle is shiny. He hopes this will blind any innocent onlookers, especially you, little girls." It doesn't work that way, though, for children watch our every move; they see our every misstep; they remember every time their mother cried because their daddy was so consumed with his own desires and needs and ego."

And there's more. If you'd like a complete copy of the email, just drop me a note, and I'll happily forward it to you. I will make this comment: My bike is rarely shiny, and I have published entire books to that effect.

Anyway, aren't the holidays a happy time? Me, I'm having a nice narcissistic time looking at myself in the mirror and telling myself I'm the greatest person who ever lived on this earth. When I'm done with that, I don't know what I'll do, probably find more ways to congratulate myself on a perfect life. And oh yeah: I'm on jury duty next week. Maybe the Jackson County Clerk of Courts will take me off jury duty and put me on trial for being an asshole! Ho!

And the next installment should be up sometime in the middle of next week. And with luck people won't post such bitchy comments about the piece.

Look at you, dude. Your hair's a mess, you haven't shaved in a week, your black Wisconsin T-shirt has a hole in the armpit....

I don't know. I can't remember. My mind's on other things, people, places, et cetera.

Okay then. I can see you're fairly nonresponsive. Let me ask you some questions then.

Oh, a variety of things. For example, Zorro continues pissing me off. Home of Zorro

Well, whoever the fuck it is, Mike, you should let it get to you. You're better off letting well enough alone.

But listen, sooner or later, everything in my life is going to turn out that way: "Leave it alone, Magnuson." How many times have I heard that?

So, Mikey, are you planning on complaining and being irreverent and goofy on your nonblog this week?

No. I saw the ambulance coming for him, but I was up the road maybe ten minutes from the guy or maybe not so far up. In fact, he could well have been in pack I was in near the end when he collapsed. I just don't remember. Same thing was happening in my brain at the time that happens to all riders in the Bridge to Bridge, at that point of the event: I was hanging on, knowing the last climb, as it were, was drawing nigh, and all I could do was look forward. I remember, about a half hour before that, on the uphill part of the Linville Viaduct, I got pissed at a guy for a stupid attack he threw down, and I chased up to him and told him to quit being a jackass, then this guy was with my group for a while, then he blew. And geez, I hope that wasn't the guy who died. In any case, I feel badly about calling that person a jackass, despite the fact he was riding like one. And I really feel badly for the dead rider's family and for the Bridge to Bridge organizers. Tough stuff.

Well, no. I mean, the sport is dangerous to begin with: You could crash; you could be hit, as I once was, by a truck; you could hit a tree when you're mountain biking; or your heart could fail. Everybody who rides bikes knows the risks, and I don't mean to sound cold or uncaring, but you have to admit, it would be better to pass on while biking, while being active, than falling off a barstool.

Yeah, I'm excited about that. And in a couple of days I'm going backpacking on an assignment for Backpacker magazine.

In the Grayson Highlands of Virginia, near Mt. Rogers. And this guy's blog is starting to annoy the shit out of me: Home of Zorro

Yeah. I couldn't help myself. I mean, sometimes, when something comes along that is just too difficult to resist, well, what's a person to do but go for it?

First on Saturday, the 16th, I'm involved with this: Sheila Simon - Newsletters - August 2006 (scroll down to find Bike the Dale). And that doesn't end till who knows? Then, at noon-thirty, I'm stopping by the Boys and Girls Club in Carbondale to support their first-annual Bikefest. Then I'm driving ten hours from Carbondale to Lenoir, NC, whereupon I will sleep for about twenty minutes, then get up, suit up in my bike kit, and head out the door for the event!

Hmm. I'm smiling over here, thinking about you being involved in a political campaign.

You mean Sheila's bike event? Why not? I'm supporting Sheila Simon's candidacy for Carbondale mayor because, among other things, she rides bikes; she's got a lot of good ideas to make this community a better place; and she's a cool person, too.

Wow, Mag. I can't believe you're civic-minded after all. You usually seem, I don't know how else to say it, mostly all about Mike.

And oh yeah: Check out this guy's blog: Home of Zorro Good gravy. Why on earth would somebody even bother?

No doubt. I think we should post comments on his blog and tell him to suck eggs, et cetera.

That's right: good old crazyass fiction, just like I wanted to work on when I was a young man all those kabillion years ago.

I don't know, Mike. You're not the man you used to be. You seem like you've changed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You are so incredibly boring with that doing-the-same-shit-all-the-time crap.

But, you know, one thing or the other comes up that might be of interest. For interest, blogs, as I have noted many times on this website, really annoy me, mostly in the sense that what do people do with their time? Sit on their asses and read each other's blogs? When they should be reading Rabelais? Or going on a hike? Or lifting weights or something? So here's a link to a blog at the university where I'm not teaching this term: Bulletin Board: MFA Carbondale I guess you're supposed to read it and make positive comments about people you don't know. That's what blogs are for, right?

Mostly nothing. Soon, I expect I'll make a series of dramatic announcements, but for the moment I can't spell all the words involved. I receive nice emails from people, and I try to write back.

Good deal, Mike. I'm gonna leave you to your own devices for a while then. See you at noon-thirty.

I'm serious. Look at me walking around. See that gimpy stride? I always walk like I have something up my ass, but I don't have anything up there. See?

The usual stuff, I guess. Check this out: A guy I knew from grad school--I guess I was his writing professor one term, too: long story--has got a book of short stories coming out. And that's awesome. I'm thrilled for the guy. He's a really nice guy, too. Like who the hell isn't, right? So I get a publicity email on him, and it's got the usual kissass blurbs in it by the usual kissass important writers, one of whom, in this case, is George Saunders, who my students think is a God, and I don't know: I think Dostoyevsky is a God. But that doesn't matter. Check out the wording at the end of the blurb Mr. Saunders wrote: "The best stories in this book remind us of the real and only purpose of fiction: to recalibrate the heart."

Exactly. What a complete load of manure! No wonder I don't want anything to do with literature. The amount of smoke being blown in those few words, yikes, it's worse than, I don't know what it's worse than. Something producing an unbelievable quantity of smoke.

Recalibrate the goddam heart. Man, if you want your heart recalibrated, get off your ass and get some exercise! If you want to read some fiction, sit your ass back in the chair and read some fiction.

I don't want to! Recalibrate the heart. Dostoyevsky isn't recalibrating your heart; he's ripping it out of your chest and showing you it's worm-eaten and and not worth putting in a pot to stew.

None. I'm writing, riding bikes, and enjoying my sabbatical from the university.

Yes. For instance, when I run up a hill because there's a log in the way, as in the picture above, that is on purpose.

Not too much. I've been working at the desk and making some halfass attempts at writing.

A bit of both. I've been writing the article about my time on the Blue Ridge Parkway and have been making myself laugh remembering the things that went on out there.

But, Mike, you were riding your bike a hundred or more miles a day and climbing at least 10,000 feet a day. How could that possibly be funny?

Dude, you should have been there. It was easily the best time I had in my life, at least in nine years, since I was a fellow at the Breadloaf Writer's Conference, and heretofore that was the best time I had ever had in my life.

Well, yeah, it was. I guess I'm more into cycling and hanging around with cyclists than I am hanging around with writers. But wait. That's not entirely true. Some of my best friends are writers. But then again, that's not true, either. All of my best friends are cyclists, except for maybe Guido and Dave.

Way too much. Last week, I went on an incredibly epic and awesome bike tour of the Blue Ridge Parkway with the folks at Black Bear Adventures.

Everything is special about that. Damn! We're talking five spectacular days of riding and eating and laughing and...

Well, I'm writing about the experience for Bicycling magazine, so I'm going to say what I have to say about the trip there instead of here.

Um, yes, but then again, it isn't. I will say this: I met a bunch of really strong cyclists from Charleston, South Carolina, many of whom were based out of this excellent bike shop: Charleston Bicycle Company

Yeah. I really dug the Woodberry Inn in Floyd, Virginia, and I dug Asheville, North Carolina, almost too deeply for words and want to win the lottery and move there permanently, and I went to see this great band in Asheville called Sons of Ralph Matter of fact, Sons of Ralph is now the official favorite live band of Lummox.org.

Meantime, I'm spending a lot of time at the desk these next few weeks and, if I'm lucky, a lot of time on the bike getting ready for the cyclocross season, which is under two months away. I've been hearing from many cool people in Internetland, too, and I hope that keeps keeping on.

I'm all right. Just tired from a great week of riding and am now doing my best to focus on some big work projects coming up.

No. My mind, like my body, is blown. I like it this way. The world feels so pleasantly mushy and squishy and warm.

Okay, I'm tired of pretending I'm a we, that I'm a large staff of dedicated Lummox.org workers who live in a compound somewhere in the sun.

Dude? Have you been under the illusion all this time that people believe Lummox.org has been anybody but you?

Man, you've been playing that same old boring tune since the beginning. Have you been doing anything? Or are you just a middleaged male bullshitting himself into thinking he's worth something.

Aren't you supposed to be a public figure or something? Are you supposed to be devoting your life to hawking your books and interacting with the public?

I'm kind of an asshole, I guess. Or at least that's what some of my students tell me.

Sure. This Sunday, I'm driving out to Asheville and meeting up with a group of cyclists who will attempt riding the entire Blue Ridge Parkway in five days.

We don't really even know what to say; it's been so long since we've updated. Troubles a-plenty have been ongoing here at the compound, we guess. Or better yet: Mike got a hold of a new computer a few months ago and never bothered to procure Frontpage till yesterday.

Anyway, this post is a test of the software. If it works, he'll try being more useful with respect to news and other things.

4-16-06 Happy Easter. We feel we have now proven successfully that ain't no blogging going on here at Lummox.org, so for the moment, we'll drop the subject.

1) Mike will be hanging around at the Tour de Georgia this coming week, riding some of the routes, et cetera. On Friday afternoon, if you see a very unhappy 42-year-old cyclist grinding his way to the top of Brasstown Bald, that will be Mike. Don't bother speaking to him; he won't understand you.

2) If you're crazy like Mike is and want to go on a really epic ride, how about riding the entire Blue Ridge Parkway this summer in five days? Nearly 500 miles and 50,000 feet of climbing? In FIVE DAYS! Sound nuts? Sound like fun? Mike is into it. And we're happy to announce that Black Bear Adventures in North Carolina has found a way to make it happen for Mike, and if you want, you can come along, too. Check out this link for more details: Blue Ridge Epic

As to the rest, everything is fine here in southern Illinois. Mike has been training fairly regularly and working at his desk way too much. One of these days, he's hoping to finish the novel he's been dinking around with for the last year. Could be soon.

2-17-06 Oh, don't you wish we were feeling bloggy? We could say, wow, we made some observations today about lots of NEAT STUFF. Or we have some really INSIGHTFUL political opinions. Or we....

And Guido is still gone. And Dave Neis is still 29. And Magnuson is still riding his bike too much and--this is new--playing drums in a band too much and--this is practical--working on his novel too much and--this is, um, very rewarding--working with his students too much. We believe he's as crazy as shit. And he believes he is, too!

The news, anyway, is slight. Mike has decided to blow off the Rouge Roubaix and instead go that weekend on a training camp with his Team Heckawee brethren in Hot Springs, Arkansas. It won't be a race, but it's a-gonna be a kickass good time. And what else? Mike will be in Chattanooga, Tennessee, at the end of March, and we're assuming he'll let us know more about that when the time approaches.

And to all of you who have written Mike recently about cycling and other cool stuff, thanks, thanks. Keep on checking in. Mike likes hearing from you.

1-30-06 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't give us any more shit about not updating. We are not, as we have insisted, bloggers here. Were we bloggers we could offer, on a daily basis, our opinions on stuff like A Million Little Pieces: e.g., the book has done a lot of people a lot of good; who cares if the author fiddled with exact facts?; and moreover, Oprah obviously ain't no expert on books, and she's the most powerful person in publishing? And America is just going to sit on their asses and take this bullshit?

The picture above, anyway, is Mike's cross bike, his Gunnar Crosshairs, and he's been really giving it a pounding all winter. What a great bike! And what a great lifestyle crossing is! The only low point during this fabulous cycling winter in southern Illinois has been the the vasectomy Mike underwent 10 days ago. He was forced, under those conditions, to take a week off the bike, but he's back now and really likes riding out of the saddle.

In other news, Chef Guido has left Carbondale for good, and we are now accepting applications for a new Guido or for someone who wants to redesign this website in a non-Guido way.

Our longtime friend Dave Neis celebrates a birthday this weekend. We think he's turning 30 but then again, he might be a younger puppy than that. He actually has a puppy these days, and as long as that puppy doesn't grow into a dog that chases bicycles, we like it.

If you pick up the current issue of Bicycling, you will see an article Mike wrote about the Rouge Roubaix road race. He'll actually be racing there again in March, in the B race. Please show up and drop him.

And finally, Mike will be giving a reading this Wednesday night, 6 p.m., at Big Shark Bicycle Company in St. Louis. Should be cool.

10-05-05 Mike's in a weird too-much-slash-too-little mode at the moment, which is to say he's well into gear on lots of things, and he's, well, not well into gear figuring out how to handle them.

2) Next Wednesday night, October 12, at 7:30, you can catch him reading a very weird short story in Palos Heights, Illinois, at the Palos Heights Public Library Open mic. Should be weird. For details, carefully check out this link: Palos Heights Library Reading

3) Next Thursday, October 13, at noon-thirty, you can catch Mike reading at the Moraine Valley Community College Library. Check out this link for details: Moraine Valley Reading

4) He'll be racing next weekend, October 15, here in Carbondale at the Ronde von Evergreen

In other news, not that there should be any, we found the other day a very cool and honest review of Heft of Wheels: A Field Guide to Doing a 180, and we thought we should point you to it: Cool Review

And while Mike was in Mankato, Minnesota, last week, he stumbled upon evidence that his old roommate, Michael Lohre, has done some interesting stuff in the years since they were roommates. Lohre fronts an extremely entertaining band called Cropchecker and he's also done some spectacular writing, links to which you can find on his site. Drop Lohre a note and say Magnuson sent you.

We encourage you, as always, to check out Mike Magnuson's coach, Michael Pease, here: Smart Endurance Training Systems Just this week Tuesday, Coach.Pease and Mr. Magnuson teamed up to do a two-man time trail on Spillway Road here in Carbondale, and the results, which neither of them can remember, were painful and shockingly fast. They really rode hard. But seriously, if you're looking for Internet coaching, we really think you should check out Coach Pease.

On a similar note, if you're looking for inspiration, check out Sam Wade's website Sam's one of the big guys Mike wrote about in Bicycling magazine a couple of months back, and you might be surprised at just how committed is to turning his life around. Drop Sam a note and let him know you're rooting for him. We sure are.

Okay then. Maybe next week, we'll start blogging. Nah. Fuck that. We'll post some more news.

9-24-05 Where the heck you been, Mike? How come you ain't been updating yer site? You still riding yer bike? You still alive? You still hate blogs? You still care about anything?

Mike says, "Listen, I just haven't felt like riding herd over my lazy staff for many months and getting them to do anything about this site, and, um, well, shoot, living in obscurity is a wonderful thing. I've had a great time these last few months riding bikes with my buddies and hanging out with friends and family. And I've been working hard on a novel and some articles and doing some reading. And the university is back in session, and, despite evidence to the contrary, or at least evidence my detractors would say is contrary, I really dig teaching and am trying to do an excellent job because, what the hell, that's what I get paid to do!"

So do you have any news, Mike, or are you just going to waffle around making a bunch of lame excuses?

Mike will be traveling to Mankato, Minnesota, next week to give a reading at his M.A. alma mater, Minnesota State University in Mankato (he also holds an M.F.A. from the University of Florida). He will be on the Mankato campus basically the whole day of September 29. Details for the event are available here: Good Thunder Reading Series

Mike's cycling coach, the honorable Michael Pease, has started a very good internet coaching business, and we can't possibly endorse the quality of Mr. Pease's coaching enough. He has helped Mike in the last couple of years to enjoy cycling and not just think of it as a desperately crazy way to keep from being fat but as a very fun way of life. Here's where to find Mr. Pease's business: Smart Endurance Training Systems Check it out, and tell him Magnuson sent you.

On October 1, Mike will return once again to the Tour de Cape in Cape Girardeau, Missouri. This is a great century with some of the finest rest stops in the business! Tour de Cape

On October 12 and 13, Mike will be giving a couple of readings in the Chicago area, in Palos Heights. Stay tuned for specific locations and times.

And here's some real-thrill news: Carbondale will be hosting its first cyclocross race, the Ronde von Evergreen, on October 15. You may register for the event and view the event flier at this link: Ronde von Evergreen As you can see, Mike will be racing in the B race, and he invites you to travel to Carbondale and whip him! You will also note that Mike is racing for something called Heckawee. What the heck is that?

6-24-05 We're trying to slow down or to speed up, we can't remember which. Telling you this much, we don't really care either way. And why this attitude? It's summer, friends, and we ain't doing nothing we don't have to do.

To wit, Mike's staying home from the races indefinitely and is, instead, planning on enjoying cycling the way the Great Cyclist in the Sky intended it, which is mellow riding, with friends, near the homestead. Besides, who wants to do all that driving to other cities when there's great cycling right out the back door?

We're hope you're having nice summers, too. Keep writing in and saying hey to Mike. He enjoys hearing from you!

Let us begin first with the grim and the sad. Just before Memorial Day one of Mike's childhood friends, Scott Schmidt, was murdered in his apartment in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Mike hadn't seen the guy for a few years--four years, he says, met up with him last at the Menomonee Falls North High School Class of 1981 20th reunion--and Mike says Scott, who had acquired the name Scooter since high school, was loads of fun; they had bunch of yuks in the parking lot and in general expressed distaste for stupid bullshit like 20th reunions. Man, it's sad to know Scott is no longer with us. He was an entertaining person.

Here's a link to a memorial page put up for Scott. It includes a link or two to information on his death:

In other, happier news, Mike reports really suffering through and consequently really enjoying the Double Metric Century at the Mountains of Misery. Mike somehow was the 12th rider across the line, which is almost too much to believe.

Here's a picture, at the start line, of Mike and the Famous Pigman, Greg Wilson.

In other news, Mike will be making a couple of bookstore appearances in the Chicago area this weekend. Look for him at Anderson's Bookshop on Thursday, June 9, 7:00 p.m. And also at Barbara's Bookstore on June 10, 4:00 p.m. Obviously, you can check the links for more precise info.

5-24-05 Friends and brethren, today marks the paperback release [ed. note: We hate such hack personification] of Heft on Wheels: A Field Guide to Doing a 180. You should be able to find it in book stores everywhere--except of course in Carbondale, Illinois, where Mike lives and remains shunned by local literati for truthful remarks he made about drunk people in Heft--and if you can't find the paperback where you live, you can certainly find it online at the usual online destroyers of our bricks-and-mortar economy. We think we're going to have a party in honor of the release, but then again, probably not. Mike's going out for a long training ride this afternoon with a character from Heft, his buddy Darren, and though training with Darren might be considered to be a party of sorts, well, it ain't the kind of party people for which dignitaries will arrive at the Lummox.org compound ready to get fed.

Besides, Chef Guido is in south Florida. Who would cook? He's posted a few high-larious remarks on his page today. Check em out. He's been watching the Giro d'Italia this year, and it's nigh possible that Guido might be actually riding a bicycle by the end of the summer. We have to say, though, that we're very proud of Guido because he has lost 25 pounds since January 1 of this year. We hear the ladies at his dad's restaurant are consequently all over his manicotti, which is a beautiful thing, both the pasta and the situation. Write Guido and encourage him to stick with the diet and exercise program!

Here's something interesting. Writer Alan Snel is doing an extremely long one-day bike ride through New York State in a few weeks and is chronicling his adventures for the Hudsonian If you have enjoyed Heft, we think you will enjoy what Alan's up to.

Mike received some mention the other day on a blog [another ed. note: Oh, how we hate blogs], and you can see that Mike has no concept whatsoever of public relations. We asked him about it, and he said, "I just don't give a shit, okay?" Here's the blog: Carbondaley Dispatch

Oh, and we forgot to bring up extreme suffering. Mike's heading out to Blacksburg, Virginia, this weekend to participate in the Wilderness Road Ride on Saturday and the infamous Mountains of Misery double metric on Sunday. He'll be speaking at the pasta dinner, 7 pm on Saturday night, which we understand has been sold out, but if you want to find Mike, he'll be hanging around. Look for the dumb-looking Swede wearing Team Mack stuff. He'll have paperback copies of Heft on Wheels for sale, too, should you be interested in getting one and having one signed. Info for the event is here: East Coasters Bike Shops' 2005 Cycling Double Header - Wilderness Road Ride and Mountains of Misery

To all, then, have a safe and happy Memorial Day weekend. And don't just sit on your ass and drink beer and watch the bratwurst sizzle. Ride! Walk! Paddle! Live!

Back for more non-blog news. We hope you've been enjoying the Giro. Great unpredictable racing so far. Today's stage is of particular importance to our own Chef Guido, because it runs into the heart of Abruzzo, childhood home of his beloved mamma.

We'd like to thank Travis McBride for pointing out that we incorrectly identified the composer of the lyrics "Smoking cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo." We should have said (and we have revised the old news to read as much) that Lew Dewitt wrote that song. Mike himself will take credit for screwing this up; he's always been a jazz man, a jazz-rock man, a rock man, a classical man, et cetera, but he's never been very country. He's from Wisconsin, and have you ever heard any country songs about Wisconsin? No.

Hey, what am I gonna say? I'm from Milwaukee. I don't even think we had a country radio station when I was growing up. They have several now, of course, and Cheeseheads are running around near the lakefront with big old Garth Brooks hats and pretending they're gonna mount a horse....

We had to stop Mike right there. He was going to say something very offensive about Garth Brooks, the verb to mount, and its connection with farm animals, but, thank the Lord, we stopped him.

Mike's been having problems like this a lot lately, by the way. Last night on group ride, he made the mistake of telling stories about ugly women in rundown taverns, instead of talking about tires and wheels and handlebars and heart-rate monitors, and some of the riders wanted to know if Mike needed his meds regulated. "Hell no," Mike said. "I just want to talk about something else other than bikes when we're riding them!"

To ride, to mount, to be, to do, to get the fuck out of the old rut! Now we're talking verbs, baby.

So yeah. Mike's heading off to the races this weekend with his buddies, the ones who can race and actually think about things other than racing. He knows the names of his buddies, but he has forgotten the names of the races. One is in Athens, Illinois. The other is in Loami, Illinois. As always, check out the race schedule at STLBIKING for more information.

Twelve days from now, the paperback version of Heft on Wheels will be wandering loose in the world. Hide!

Wow, was that ever a long time between updates, or what? We've been having so much fun around here doing nothing that, well, last thing we were thinking about was the website. Reminds us of a couple lines from that great Lew Dewitt song: "Smoking cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo/ Now, don't tell me I've nothing to do." Damn. Good thing we're not bloggers; otherwise, the whole point to our sorry lives would be lost already. Like what? We haven't posted more opinions on our blog? How the heck will the world function without that?

Blogs, in case you haven't noticed, drive us crazy here at the Lummox.org compound. We seriously suggest, if you need to blog, skip it and go for a walk or go canoeing or go biking. Get outside, people. Smell the air. Stick your face in the dirt! Be part of the world! Don't just sit on your ass and comment on it.

Anyhow, speaking of blogs, Mike has been interviewed by a sort of bloggy-looking site called Slushpile and if you keep checking back there over the next few whiles, they might get around to posting what Mike said to them.

What else is up? Chef Guido, it turns out, thinks nothing--nothing--of using twenty-buck-a-bottle French wine to marinate his pork roast, and for that, we have summarily dismissed him. We hereby renew our call for a new Guido. Anybody out there want to post your own healthy recipes on this website? Or better yet? Any web designers out there want to help us delete Guido from this site entirely? Ha! We're just kidding about the deletion part.

We do have some news. The paperback version (cheap!) of Heft on Wheels: A Field Guide to Doing a 180 will be available everywhere on May 24, just in time for the summer cycling season.

And Mike, well, he's been doing some racing and some good training, and if you drop him a note, he'll tell you all about it.

He'll be riding in both events and giving a very humorous speech at both pasta dinners. He will also be selling paperbacks and signing book, et cetera. Should be awesome!

Oh, we almost forgot the real reason we're updating this week. On Saturday--Mike's 42nd birthday--Mike officially will be nicotine-free for three full years!

Hello, friends. We've been more lax than usual lately, on account of the nice weather, we keep saying. We've got lots of fun events coming up, as usual. Tomorrow, for instance, Mike will race in the famed Hillsboro-Roubaix, for which you can find a flyer at STL BIKING

We'd like to thank everybody who's been writing in to help Mike update our email database, which, as you know, he blew up during his recent computer change. The new computer is nice, though. Don't you think, Mike? Yes, I do. But I keep playing with the computer and not getting any work done. Meantime, keep writing in. Outlook is so much fun!

In Chef Guido news, right, there's no Chef Guido news. We saw him last evening, and he was misty-eyed and thinking about Boca and its accompanying broiled red snapper.

Gotta run now. Check back early next week for a full report on the Hillsboro-Roubaix and a rundown of upcoming events.

First of all, Mike wants to report that his journeys to Springfield, Knoxville, Sylva, and Chattanooga were fantastic indeed. Special thanks to Scott Baker in Sylva, NC, for hurting Mike on the long climb up the Blue Ridge Parkway, and yes, Mike did wet his pants in that tunnel! And also thanks to Dave at Motion Makers in Sylva, for taking Mike on an extremely epic dirt-road ride on Doubletop in a brutally cold rain. Wow. What a ride!

About Guido, we keep trying to fire him, and he keeps not getting fired. Imagine that. Our hearts are too big. His recipe-generator is too small, we think. Notwithstanding this, he's flying to Miami this weekend to attend his brother's wedding and to see his mamma. Wish him luck.

Okay then. Here's the weirdest and worst news. For a long time, Mike has been using a crappy old computer and has had considerable problem with email and other computer-related matters. In short, he finally bought a nice new computer and has gotten it up and running, and yesterday, while configuring his email program, he managed to delete every email he has ever received through this website. Every one. And he can't get them back, either, because he had them all stored on a web-based system. When it happened, Mike proved that just because he's healthier than he used to be, he's not above shouting, "Fuck!" He hereby shouts it again: "Fuck!" Boy, that feels better. Anyway, if you have ever emailed Mike and wish to stay in contact with him, please drop him a note again, so he can get you in his address book and avoid further misery.

Meantime, Mike's off to the Boston area for the next few days to visit his buddy David Krozy, whose emails Mike has also lost. David, if you're out there, man, show me a sign!

3-13-05 Let's keep things short and simple this week. First off, thanks to all the great people in Springfield, Illinois, who showed up to Mike's reading on Thursday night. Wow! What a crowd. That was seriously great.

This coming Thursday, you can catch Mike in Chattanooga, Tennesse, where he'll be a writer in residence at the Meacham Writers' Workshop. Thursday night, March 17, Mike will give a reading with poets Rodney Jones and Earl Braggs, from 7:00 till 8:30 pm, at Chattanooga State Technical Community College, in the Center for Advanced Technology, C-30. Word is, Mike will read some brand-new wacko material that night! Cool! On Saturday morning, March 19, from 10:00 till noon, Mike will give a workshop on writing at UT-Chattanooga, in the Ross Landing Room of the ITC Student Center. These events are free and open to the public, of course.

Oh, and if you want to help a good kid doing a good thing, check out this pdf flyer. Joe Williams: Hard Man of Flanders This guy, Joe Williams, is one of the finest and nicest cyclists ever to come out of southern Illinois, and he's been invited to train with a youth development team this summer in Belgium. Trouble is, he can't afford to go. If you can make it to the event described on the flyer, please consider going; if you can't go, please consider sending a generous donation to the address on the flyer. Joe will appreciate it! Thanks.

3-07-05 Well, well, well. This is going to get complicated. Guido has a friend named Pooter who advises Guido to advise Mike to go for it, and Mike has agreed to do so. What it might be, however, remains as elusive to the Lummox.org staff as Tweety has been, all these sorry-ass years, to Sylvester. For alas, we say, how much joy would come to the world were Sylvester finally to get Tweety in between those two slices of white bread, to hold him in there, wriggling and begging for his loud yellow life, and bite down? Oh! We can hardly contain ourselves, just thinking about it.

Meantime, short news is this: Thursday night at 7 pm, you can catch Mike in Springfield, Illinois. Check out this link for the details: Springfield Bicycle Club

Check back here on Saturday regarding Mike's appearance at the Meacham Writer's Workshop in Chattanooga, March 17-19.

Oh, and if you're interested in checking out the work of master weird cartoonist Clay Held, check this out: Belligerent Kid Twisted

Whew! That was some whirlwindy week following such a fabulous day of racing in Springfield on February 20. Please check out the old news, if you have missed the news. But yeah, anyway, Mike was so thrilled with the outcome of the Tour de Groundhog that he about did nothing the whole week after and managed to get himself as sick as an old mule. Poor bastard. Just today, he was running a 101.5 F temp, and there he was at his desk, writing away incoherently. He actually wrote a poem during his delirium, with the working title "Pluto, My Favorite Planet After Uranus." Despite Mike's insistently obnoxious demands, we are refusing to reprint the poem here, on account of the great shame its contents might bring to this website. Word has it that Chef Guido himself is so offended by the poem's contents that he will refuse to make tomato flowers for this weekend's upcoming Lummox.org banquet. In his official statement, Chef Guido has denounced Mike's poem as "revolting guano" and added further that Mike "clearly is writing with no regard for the embarrassment such retrograde filth will bring to his friends and associates."

In response, Mike has issued this brief statement: "Guido doesn't know his ass from a mother sauce."

To which, Chef Guido has issued this one-word statement reminiscent of General Anthony C. McAuliffe's reply to the German surrender demand at Bastogne during the Battle of the Bulge: "Butter."

As you can see, the longstanding harmony here at Lummox.org has become tenuous at best.

1) Mike will give a reading in Springfield, Illinois, on Thursday, March 10. We'll have all the details for you early next week.

Left to right, and in order of finish, 1) Darren Sherkat; 2) Mike Magnuson; 3) John Reimbold.

Yes, it's true. This Sunday, February 20, the crew from Carbondale traveled to Springfield and slogged to a podium sweep in the Masters 40+ race. Wow! Look at how happy these guys are!

2-16-05 We'd like to thank everyone who came out to hear Mike on Valentine's Day in St. Louis. That was lots of fun. Keep in touch! And check out all the great upcoming events sponsored by the Gateway Council of Hostelling, USA

To move on, then, some alert Lummox.org readers have noted several references to a mysterious figure named Dave Neis and have requested that we explain just who this person is. In order to keep his identity secret, we offer the following link to a Dave Neis that our Dave Neis definitely is not: Dave Neis

Anyway, Mike's looking forward to the Tour de Ground Hog this Sunday. He hopes to see you there. Team Mack

2-10-05 Hey, everyone. We just so frigging happy around here we might just, well, we don't know what we might just do. Mike's been biking and writing and getting what's left of his shit together of late, and that's been very satisfying, at least for him.

1) You can hear Mike on the radio this Saturday, February 12, talking with Norman Mark on The Health Radio Network. Mike's been on Norman's show before, a few months back, and he really thinks the guy is funny and smart, which thinking we are not certain Norman reciprocates, but we hope so. The interview will be on live at noon Pacific Time, and you can hear it either through streaming audio on the Health Radio website, or on WKKD in Chicago, KOMY in Monterey/Santa Cruz, KWYD in Colorado Springs, and WBNW in Boston.

2) On Valentine's Day, the day the government forces us to be in love, you can skip the forced-romance crap, and head over to St. :Louis, where Mike will be giving a reading, at 7:30 pm, for the Gateway Council of Hostelling, USA: Gateway Council Check that link, of course, for directions. We hope to see you there!

3) We found this nice review of Heft on Wheels: A Field Guide to Doing a 180 in The Rough Draft Newsletter, a publication of the Fresno Cycling Club.

4) And Mike's undergraduate alma mater, The University of Wisconsin--Eau Claire, must have seen the article about him in the Chronicle of Higher Education, for here we find him, featured as an alumni success story: Alumni Success Stories: Mike Magnuson '89 Man, not to appear ungrateful or anything, but Mike has published four books with major publishing houses and done all sorts of interesting stuff professionally since graduating (and after eight years to get the degree!), but was he a success story then? No. Lose some weight, and people think you've accomplished something. Just another proof that it's not what you do with your mind in this country; it's what's up with your body. So be healthy, and people will like you. Nevertheless, if you follow the UWEC link, you can find a link to the entire text of Scott Smallwood's excellent profile of Mike.

5) Next week Sunday, February 20, Mike will be racing at the 17th Tour de Groundhog Bill Jensen Memorial Cyclocross Race in Petersburg, Illinois. Check out this link for details: Team Mack

6) The following Sunday, February 27, barring attitude problems, Mike will race at the famous Froze Toes Road Race in Columbia, Missouri. Check out the race calendar at STLBIKING for more details.

7) We have confirmed, too, that Mike will appear in Springfield, Illinois, to give a reading for the Springfield Bicycle Club, on March 10, and when we get the exact time and the location, we'll post it pronto.

9) In Lummox.org news, the real Chef Guido has resurfaced, angry and wielding a very sharp knife, and demanded that we fire M. Naught Guido. In short, the real Guido has provided us with a short recipe. He cooked this for the Lummox.org staff on Super Bowl Sunday, and even Dave Neis, who definitely puts the fin into finicky eating, enjoyed his sandwich.

1-27-05 We're much mellower this week than last week, and Mike certainly is, too. The weather's been terrible, and Mike's been eating too much and working too much and not riding enough, but that's okay. These things happen. Every ten years or so. Gets rid of the bad blood. As Clemenza says.

Meantime, we've got events coming up, not the least of which will be the St. Valentine's Day Massacre, when Mike reads in St. Louis: Check out this link for the details: Hostelling International USA, Gateway Council Mike appreciates their mission very much, by the way. Turns out, when Mike was a kid, a family two houses down the block were totally into biking and hostelling, and though Mike never went hostelling himself, he got his first ten speed because he kept seeing the kid down the block with a fancy yellow bike, and Mike wanted to get one, too.

Oh, and check out the Chef Guido page. M. Naught Guido has struck again. The real Chef Guido, as far as we know, has been sitting in his new apartment theorizing at length about becoming somebody exactly like Padgett Powell. We have no doubt Guido will be successful at that.

1-18-05 You ever get the feeling the Lummox.org staff is totally full of crap? That we don't exist, maybe? Or that whatever we tell you is wrong or misguided or somehow just an excuse to fill space? Well, we do, too. For instance, we promised to update the site last Tuesday, and here we are, updating the site this Tuesday. Do we feel ashamed? No shit, we feel ashamed.

Magnuson interrupts here: "Wait one goddam second. This is not a fucking family site."

Sorry, people. We have wrestled Mike to the ground and and bitch-slapped him and made him promise to clean up his potty mouth and be the moral citizen he's supposed to be, now that he's not hanging around in the bar all the time.

Speaking of which, we're never ones to pick on people and do the sour-grape thing, but we were surfing the net the other day and came across a blogger and cyclist who thought Heft on Wheels was, well, not the greatest. Read it here: Glort - Steve's Reading Log He writes of Magnuson: "He just replaces smoking and beer with cycling...and sounds as fucked up as he ever did." Exactly! What do you want to hear, Steve? That everything in life is going to be perfect just because somebody quits smoking? Ever hear of Iraq? Poverty? Global warming? Anyway, Mike's never read a Robert Parker novel, which no doubt explains a lot.

Oh well. That was fun. Maybe we should turn this site into a blog and be like everybody else.

In Magnuson news then: The spring semester begins this week, and Mike will be teaching Eng 594, Graduate Forms in Fiction, on Thursday evenings, 221 Lawson Hall. We reserve the right to post some of the grammatical and rhetorical terms the course will cover.

We'll have some links to upcoming events soon, because there actually are a bunch of them. Just a couple: Mike will be giving a reading in St. Louis on Valentine's Day and in Springfield, Illinois, on March 10.

Also, there's a very nice feature on Mike in the current issue of The Chronicle of Higher Education. If you can find it, check it out.

1-07-05 Just a very short update today. Starting next Tuesday, January 11, we'll be posting news updates every Tuesday throughout the rest of the winter and spring.

For those of you NPR listeners, you will be able to hear Mike this weekend on To The Best Of Our Knowledge. He will be the final segment in a program focusing on, oddly enough, failure. Check out this link for details: To The Best Of Our Knowledge

For those of you who emailed Mike over the holidays and received either a delayed response or no response at all, he regrets to inform everyone that his modem blew the day before Christmas, and he decided to live for a few days in the manner he did long before computers entered his life. [Staff note: As it turns out, Mike living in the old way was NOT a good thing.]

For those of you who are tired of waiting months on end for Guido to give us a new recipe, we're with you. On Tuesday, we will debut his replacement, M. Naught Guido.

Meantime, Mike's been riding his cross bike every afternoon on dirt roads and firelanes and has been generally whomping the crap out of himself with no goal in mind other than the love of whomping the crap out of himself. Mornings, he's been working on a new book.

12-15-04 Good news here: Mike's almost through what Frank Zappa has called "the puddle of piddle" and, though a bit numb in the brain, is feeling satisfied with the conclusion of another fine university semester. It's been a weird one, for sure, but productive nevertheless. Mike's students really rocked this term. He's proud of them all.

One of Mike's students, Chef Guido, has flown to Boca, and we can only hope, per his promise, that he will send us a new recipe before the holidays are over, but we're not holding our breath, folks. For instance, our friend Sam from Knoxville, Tennessee, has written in suggesting something low-carb, low-fat, and we think it's an impossibility for Guido to pen such a recipe. Then again, for the last few months, it's been an impossiblity for Guido to pen any recipes at all, so who are we to say what the future will bring?

On Sunday, several of Mike's cycling friends were amused to witness Mike doing a cross dismount off a road bike and failing to come unclipped and consequently crashing on his left side. Seems that as a result of the crash Mike has pulled a muscle in his left tit, what we are told is the Intra Coastal muscle, which just goes to show you where Guido is fishing is where Mike is hurting.

One of Mike's other students, Clay Held--who, despite working way too many hours at Wal-Mart, writes like an angel--created the following illustration. We think it's perfect!

12-09-04 Some alert Lummox.org readers have pointed out that Mike Magnuson did not in fact show up for the Bubba Memorial race last Sunday, and we're here to confirm this for you. Yes, you weren't hallucinating. Mike stayed home on Sunday. He worked. He went on a mellow training ride on Sunday afternoon. He watched the Packers lose.

He has issued the following statement on the subject: "I want to apologize for staying home from the Bubba on Sunday. I do have a job, however, as an English professor, and this is late in the term, meaning I am incredibly swamped with student work. As of yesterday, I had 627 pages of student fiction to mark up and 23 letters of recommendation to write, and hey, I'm not asking you to feel sorry for me. I'm merely saying I'm too busy to head out of town for the races. Perhaps, in the happy future of my dreams, I will win the lottery and will be able to spend every weekend for the rest of my life at the cyclocross races..."

He goes on, in several very tedious and badly written paragraphs, to discuss his belief that even if he did win the lottery he probably wouldn't go to the races every weekend because he would still feel the urge to engage with his mind in "some sort of committed project-driven intellectual endeavor." While we think he couldn't possibly be more vague--intellectual endeavor? project-driven?--we appreciate his desire to be home and mellow on the weekends.

In non-mellow news, Guido has promised to send us a new recipe before Christmas, and we can only say now that yeah, right, we'll see it when we see it, buddy. If Guido doesn't give us a recipe before Christmas--and maybe even if he does--we will begin advertising on this site for guest Guidos, which is to say you, the loyal Lummox.org reader, could send in your Guido recipes, and we'll post them on the Chef Guido page. Could be funny. Thoughts anyone?

12-03-04 Greetings, fellow space wanderers. Let us continue rolling through the starry voidspace of our inner....What? Is that you, Magnuson? Are you there? [Ed. note: No, he is not there.]

We've lost Mike. He was here last evening, at suppertime, and just wandered outside, into a perfectly cloudless night, and since then--well, someone who looks remarkably like him returned to the house, but he can't be Mike. He's not talking about cycling or being a good citizen or caring for other good citizens in this wonderfully life-affirming world. Instead, he's on this I-want-to-go-on-vacation kick. He wants to walk away from the bike, from his job, from all his responsibilities, and spend a few weeks loafing in south Florida with his family.

So that's it! THAT'S why Mike isn't himself. Guido is the person with the family in south Florida. Guido is the person who needs to get out of Carbondale for a few weeks and enjoy a little R & R from the whole rat race here at Lummox.org.

Which reminds us: Some of you have inquired why Mike hasn't raced in the last few events in the Bubba Memorial Cyclocross Series, and all we can say is, Hey, Mike's not a professional cyclist. Some weekends he likes to stay home and heal. Not this Sunday, though. Mike will definitely be at the starting line, 1:15 pm, for the final face in the Bubba series. We'll post pictures early next week.

11-27-04 Man, are we ever in the post-traumatic-turkey blues here. The food intake over the last few days at the Lummox.org compound has been an atrocity, which you may take as a pleasant sign of opulence, that it's nice the Lummox.org foundation can afford to put on a feast, but still, one more piece of pie and one more piece of fudge and one more turkey sandwich with mayo and one more cookie and on and on, and we shall soon be calling Mike Magnuson El Blimpo again. Nevertheless, gluttony notwithstanding, Thanksgiving was much fun hereabouts. Guido stopped by and carved the turkey and told stories about his miserable Brooklyn-Argentina-Miami childhood, and he enjoyed a few bottles of French wine and was polite enough not wish out loud for Italian, though we suspected he sorely wanted to. He did mention, however, that Thanksgiving just doesn't make sense with a lasagna or two on the counter.

Meantime, Christmas season is in full swing. We of course recommend without reservation Heft on Wheels: A Field Guide to Doing a 180. We think it would be a good book to read around Christmastime, when nearly everybody is ready to make a change to a fitter and more active life. Also, if you're looking for any of Mike's other books--The Right Man for the Job (1997), The Fire Gospels (1998), or Lummox (2002)--you can locate them easily through the Amazon links on our home page. We have noted that you can acquire Mike's old books for as little as one penny, and hey, at those prices, why wouldn't you give a Mike Magnuson book to everyone you know this Christmas?

And while we're on the subject of books, Mike has been pontificating on the subject of books recently. Check out Dan Wickett's interview with Mike:

Emerging Writers Forum Interview Warning, though: if you only know Mike through his writing about cycling, you might be startled at the kind of language Mr. Magnuson uses when he's discussing writing and his career. He doesn't mean to offend. Oh, and there's some interesting comments about Mike's interview on the November 24 edition of BookAngst 101

11-19-04 Mike's back safe and sound in Carbondale, but why? After riding in North Carolina, he didn't want to return home. Check out this picture below, taken on Wednesday, November 17, at a particularly great high point of the Blue Ridge Parkway. Top picture: On the right is Scott Baker, who is smiling because he's about to descend back to Sylva, NC, at speeds that can only bring a smile to a cyclist's face. Watch out for that bear dog, Scott! Bottom picture: On the right is Chris Cooper, who apparently peed so much during the Bridge to Bridge that, three days afterwards, he still didn't need to pee. Ha! Thanks to Scott, to Chris, and to Dave Molin from Motion Makers in Sylva for taking Mike on one of the greatest bike rides of his life. Thanks, too, to Andrew Judson, wrench extraordinaire, for helping Mike with some serious ethical decisions.

And what about the Bridge to Bridge, you may ask? It was very cold and very awesome. Mike came in 73rd place, with a time of 4:36:57. We don't know if results are posted yet, but we think they will be in a couple of days.

Meantime, Mike has much work to do here. Over the weekend, we'll post an extended TurkeyWeek edition of Lummox news, with, we expect, much commentary on food and relaxing and other wonderful things a person should be considering during this time of year.

11-10-04 Whew! Let's try to clear our heads, people. We know things have been hectic lately, but do we need to get this wound up? No. We don't think so. Breathe carefully. Allow your heart rate to slow. And for the love of Pete, step away from that bike, Magnuson. It's embarrassing.

[Ed note: The above translates directly a vivid nightmare Mike had last evening, involving a group of distinguished intellectuals surrounding him and pulling an anti-cycling intervention on him. "Take yourself more seriously," they're telling him. "Do something useful." We believe Mike's dream suggests it's high time he gets to North Carolina and finally rides in this year's Bridge to Bridge Incredible Cycling Challenge He'll be at the dinner on Saturday night, and yes, he'll be thrilled to see you. Go ahead a whip his butt up the mountain on Sunday; he's just hoping to stay warm.]

On Monday night, November 15, 7 pm, Mike will give a reading at Black Bear Books in Boone, North Carolina. You can find Black Bear Books at 2146 Blowing Rock Road in Boone. (828) 264-4636. [Ed note #2: If you're a cyclist and don't normally attend readings, it's all right; you'll be fine; readings don't hurt nearly as much as riding.]

On Tuesday night, November 16, 7 pm, Mike will give a reading at City Lights Bookstore in Sylva, North Carolina. You can find City Lights on 3 East Jackson Street in Sylva. (828) 586-9499

Rumor has it Mike might stop and see some folks when he's either traveling hitherto or thither from North Carolina [is there anybody editing this junk?] but Mike cannot at this moment say for certain. He's been experiencing a combination of 1) getting behind on his work and 2) really starting to enjoy his work again, and if he's gone from home too long, well, you can understand. He's liking writing all of a sudden, which is both weird and good and, like the writing itself, scary and bad.

On a side note, Carbondale's local cyclocross race will be held on Sunday afternoon at Von Jakob's in Pomona. Check out the Bubba links for more information. Some Carbondale Bubba Mike wishes he could be there.

Another side note: Was there a Literary Festival in Carbondale last weekend, and did all that stuff happen? Wow.

11-09-04 I'm working on it, okay? Seriously. Check back tomorrow. If you're new read the old news. If you're old and if you're pissed, email Guido and bitch. He'll understand.

11-04-04 Two days late and two dollars short. We're sorry. We, like many folks this week, have gotten a bit swept up in other matters, and we're assuming you, our loyal Lummox.org reader, have been occupied by things otherwise, too. We'll keep it really short then.

1) Mike had a mechanical (chain kept falling off) in last Sunday's Bubba Memorial Cyclocross #3 and had to abandon. It's maybe just as well he had the bike problem, though, because he'd eaten way way too much Halloween candy in the five days before the race and felt about as fit to bike as the Michelin Man is a fit to do a still ring routine in a gymnastics tournament. He doesn't know as of this moment whether he'll be able to make it to St. Louis for this coming Sunday's race because of

2) The Devil's Kitchen Literary Festival on the Southern Illinois University campus this weekend. This means, boys and girls, that Mike's got to work all weekend and will probably be too sluggardly to race on Sunday.

Check in next Tuesday for a complete list of Mike's upcoming appearances in North Carolina, and yes, keep being good people!

10-26-04 Bubba #2 was well worth seeing. Too bad you weren't there, but hey, there's more races coming up--every Sunday till December 5, matter of fact. Maybe next Sunday, you'll be in the St. Louis area and feel like checking out an incredible set of races. If you feel like racing, cool: sign up. If you feel like watching: excellent. For one thing, if you don't race, you won't beat Mike, and he'll appreciate that. And for another thing, cyclocross is an amazing spectator sport. Free to watch, too! Plus you can just about see the whole race transpire from anywhere you set yourself up, and you certainly won't have to jostle for good set-up locations on the course because, well, fans are few at the Bubba Memorial Cyclocross Series. Nevertheless, check out the link to Big Shark and find all the info you'll need about Bubba. Send em an email, and tell em you appreciate what they're doing.

Anyhow, we're pleased to report that Mike's good friend John Reimbold WON the Bubba C race on Sunday. In the Bubba B race, Mike came in fourth place. And in the Bubba A race, Van Peasewyk, for the second week in a row, came in fifth. Reminds us of the Biblical joke: "Come forth," said the king. And David, having slipped in camel shit, came in fifth. For bullshit was unknown in those days.

We've finally changed the SIUC Cycling Club link below to reflect the real home page, which has some amusing pictures on the bottom (L-R, Reimbold, Magnuson, Pease) and of course extensive links to important cycling goings-on in southern Illinois. Just today, in fact, on the message board, we're having another squabble breaking out with the mountain bikers, who have scheduled a renegade drink-beer-in-the-woods Fat Tire Fest on the same weekend as the Cycling Club's cyclocross race. Feel free to post your views there on the Fat Tire thread, and yes, it's okay, Magnuson's feelings won't be hurt if you call him a jackass. Of course, neither will his feelings be hurt if you call the mountain bikers jackasses, either. [Ed. note: We do not hold anything against mountain bikers; these particular ones can be rather trying, however.]

Concerning the Cycling Club's cyclocross race on November 14, for which you can find a flyer on the aforementioned SIUC Cycling Club website, Mike's going to miss it because he'll be out in North Carolina that weekend for the short version of the Bridge to Bridge Incredible Cycling Challenge In next Tuesday's update, along with exciting news of the upcoming Bubba in St. Louis, we'll fill you in on Mike's itinerary for the Bridge to Bridge and also his rescheduled bookstore appearances in Boone and Sylva.

About Heft on Wheels: A Field Guide to Doing a 180, which we've neglected to mention in an age, it's putzing along out there in bookland, wherever that is. There will be a paperback of it released on May 25, 2005, but that's a long time away, we're thinking. And while we hate to make sales pitches here on Lummox.org, what the heck: Pick you up a few extra copies for your cycling friends this Christmas season.

Meantime, check out this disturbing pic of Magnuson running the barriers on Sunday:

10-19-04 Bubba Memorial #1 is in the books. Big Shark We think the picture of Magnuson below perfectly captures the sun-dappled desperation of the day.

10-14-04 I'm gasping for air here. I'm barely hanging on. It really frigging hurts, man....Darn it, we keep accidentally posting portions of Mike's email in the news. And believe it or not, that portion does not come from an email about Tuesday night's cyclocross practice, nor does it express Mike's unbridled terror at the thought of entering his first cyclocross race this coming Sunday. We believe we have accidentally posted an excerpt from an email in which Mike comments on the writing he's been doing lately. Writing's hard, he says.

So yeah, Mike will be at the Bubba Memorial Cyclocross race in St. Louis on Sunday. Check the link above for details.

10-05-04 Small Lummox.org news: For the first time in months, we have modified the home page of this website. Well, it's a very slight modification, but wow, is it fun to fiddle with computer stuff, or what?. Mike got an email a week or so ago, by the way, which suggested that this site looks awful, and, as always, we must point out that that's the point! We don't want the website to be slick because neither the website staff nor Mike nor our beloved Guido can be classified as slick.

Past events: Mike had a great time, even though he definitely rode harder than he should have, at the Tour de Cape last weekend in Cape Girardeau, Missouri. To all the great riders who rode their first century there, bravo! Mike was honored to meet you and ride with you.

And tonight, just in case you're in Carbondale, Mike will be at cyclocross practice (details available through the SIUC Cycling Club link below), and it looks like the workout's going to be a brute. 40-minute race simulation. Ouch!

And this weekend, of course, Mike will make an appearance at the Wisconsin Book Festival and will be hanging around Madison for a few days. See the festival schedule on their website for all the readings, and if you're around, plan to attend Mike's reading with Elwood Reid, author of the great new novel DB, on Saturday night at 6 p.m. Orpheum Theater.

Mike says he's being his Gunnar Crosshairs cyclocross bike to Madison and will bring wheels and tires for both dirt and road. He plans on riding through the grass on university grounds, so if you see him out there on Friday or Saturday afternoon, practicing hairpins around trees, say hello. If you happen to know that riding on the grass at the University of Wisconsin is illegal, drop Mike a note and warn him before he does something stupid.

10-01-04 Well, Sam. You got me. I've been working and teaching and paying attention to other things, and I guess I just forgot to....Oops! That was an email Mike was writing to his good buddy Sam, or elsinoresam, who refuses to admit that his computer nickname has any connection with the classic play Hamlet or the classic film Strange Brew. Sam has accused Mike, in any event, of hanging out with Guido too much and failing in the process to encourage the diligent Lummox.org staff to post a news update and summary of last weekend's exciting First Union Bike Tour with the all the crazy Canadians from Bike Journal . In fact, Mike wishes he could be hanging out more with Guido, and next weekend, at the Wisconsin Book Festival , Mike will be hanging out with Guido extensively. They're driving to Madison from Carbondale together! Seven hours each way! Pretty awesome, no? So yes, if you attend Mike's reading next Saturday evening at the Festival, Guido will surely be there, too, and you can meet Guido in person. But, as we have stressed on many occasions, Guido is not Mike. We suggest that any interested parties please attend Mike's reading next week with Elwood Reid and have your picture taken with Mike and Guido and Elwood after the show. Should be weird, no question of it.

About the Bike Journal ride last weekend, wow, Mike says it was awesome. Check out the Bike Journal link above, sign up, find any of the First Union threads on the message board, and read all about it. There's plenty of pictures posted there, too.

And tomorrow [Ed. Note: this is why the staff shouldn't post news updates five days late], Mike will be in Cape Girardeau, Missouri, riding in the 5th Annual Tour de Cape . He'll be in Cape this evening, too, from 6 till 8, at packet pickup. If you're around the area and want to say hey to Mike, stop in, say hey.

Anything else, oh Lummox.org news staff? Yes. Sunday evening at eight o'clock, Mike will be at the Grassroots Open Reading here in Carbondale. Longbranch Coffee House. Drop us a line if you have any questions.

9-23-04 Things have mellowed considerably this week, which is to say, since Mike hasn't gone anywhere and hasn't had anything official to do, well, that boy's been calm, calm, calm. Ain't that nice to hear? He's been writing even--nothing great, of course, but who cares? He's feeling something awaken in his creative spirit, though [don't laugh, it's true], and maybe, just maybe, the words will flow on to Mike's lonely page once again. Have they not been flowing? you may ask. Yes, they have, but not in the way Mike wishes they would flow.

So what the heck's going on? Let's see: Tomorrow, Friday, Mike's traveling to Mena, Arkansas, to ride with some of the folks from Bike Journal. Check the Bike Journal link below for additional information. And check out the SIUC Cycling Club link below for exciting information about the Tuesday evening Cyclocross rides here in Carbondale. A bunch of folks are showing up, and we're having lots of fun.

Oh, and if you can read pdf files, click on the following link: somewhere in this newsletter you'll find Pete Butler's awesome review of Heft on Wheels: A Field Guide to Doing a 180. The Cyclist

9-17-04 Additional bulletin: The following is what we know about Mike's plans for next week: He ain't doing squat. He's staying home.

That's right, folks. The Bridge to Bridge has been postponed to a tentative date of November 14. Mike's bookstore appearances have been postponed tentatively till November, too. November 15, he will appear at Black Bear Books in Boone. November 16, he will appear at the City Lights Bookstore in Sylva. Check back here, as always, for clarification.

Meantime, Guido has gotten the proverbial lead out of his ass and has produced what we feel is his finest recipe to this date. Check it out, people, and eat hearty. Guido's got it going on this time around.

All Mike Magnuson's events in North Carolina next week have been postponed because of threats posed by Hurricane Ivan. Once the official makeup date for the Bridge to Bridge is announced, we will fill you in with the exact dates for Mike's bookstore appearances in the Boone and Sylva areas.

9-08-04 Guido's family is okay. We'd like you to know that. Guido's okay, too, insofar as he's ever been okay, which long has been a subject of debate here at the Lummox.org compound. Nevertheless, we've gotten requests for Guido to put together a nice risotto for everybody, and we're hereby demanding that he quits moping about and gets back to recipe-writing. Guido? Please? We're hungry, dude.

Thanks to all of you who've been reading Heft on Wheels: A Field Guide to Doing a 180 and mentioning the book to your friends. It's still alive out there in the wide world because of you. Keep spreading the word, and keep doing great things with your lives.

Here's a rough list, by the way, of Mike's upcoming events, should you want to meet him in person.

He'll be heading back out to North Carolina a week from Friday to get himself situated for the 16th running of the Bridge to Bridge Incredible Cycling Challenge, which will be held on Sunday, September 19. You can find information about the ride by following this link: Caldwell County Chamber of Commerce Please note that the ride is currently full. You may be able to get a ride number if you check around on the internet, but all we can do is wish you good luck. At any rate, on Saturday September 18, from 3:30 till 6:30 p.m., Mike will be signing books and hanging out and eating too much at the Bridge to Bridge's preride spaghetti feed. Stop in and see him and give him some grief, and then, in the morning, drop Mike like a stone. It'll be cool. You won't hurt his feelings. Mike's used to getting dropped.

Provided he survives the Bridge to Bridge, you can catch Mike on Monday, September 20, at Black Bear Books in Boone, North Carolina. He'll give a reading from Heft on Wheels and hang out and whatnot. Reading begins at 7:00 pm. 2146 Blowing Rock Road in Boone. Call 828-264-4636 for more information.

On Tuesday, September 21, at 7:30 pm, Mike will give a reading at City Lights Bookstore in Sylva, North Carolina. Reading begins at 7:30. Check out this link for more information: City Lights Books Or call 828-586-9499.

On Wednesday, September 22, Mike's going to ride himself senseless on the Blue Ridge Parkway. Cherokee to Mt Pisgah and back, he's thinking.

On Thursday, September 23, he's going to head home via Nashville, Tennessee, where he wants to stop at the legendary Gran Fondo bike shop and maybe finally, after all this time thinking about it, actually head out and ride on the Natchez-Trace Parkway.

In events farther in the future, Mike will be riding in the Tour de Cape in Cape Girardeau, Missouri, on October 2. He'll certainly be signing books at packet pickup on the night before the event. Check out this link for info on the event, and check back here for more details soon. Tour de Cape

Look, too, to see Mike at the Wisconsin Book Festival, October 7 through 9, in Madison, Wisconsin. Mike will be reading with novelist Elwood Reid on Saturday, October 9, at the Orpheum Theater on State Street. As always, stay tuned for more info. Meantime, check out this link for general details. Wisconsin Book Festival

Farther off in the distance, Mike is planning on racing in every single event in the Silly Rabbit Cross Series this winter. Is that nutso, or what? Follow this link and click on the calendar section for the tentative schedule: http://www.bigshark.com/site/

9-02-04 Just a short news announcement. The real Chef Guido associated with this site, Ricardo Marcello Vazquez, he's got family down there in South Florida, in the path of Hurricane Frances. Let us pray for their strength and good fortune and safety at this time.

Stay tuned next week for an extensive news run-down, and, all of you, have a nice holiday weekend.

8-23-04 Please excuse the long time between updates. We'd like to tell you Mike has been riding and having a perfect life over the last two weeks, but alas, only the riding part is true. Can we say that lots of riding makes for a perfect life? Maybe. But then again, at least the way Mike looks at it, cycling (or any regular sporting activity) is integral to a great life but only a part of it. There's family, of course, and friends, and work, and community. In case you read Heft on Wheels: A Field Guide to Doing a 180, you'll know that Mike refers rather extensively to these nonathletic aspects of his life here in Carbondale, Illinois, and in the last couple of weeks, he has learned some folks have been terribly offended by the nature of Mike's observations in Heft on Wheels. These people, we are sad to report, are seeking to make Mike's professional life in Carbondale very very difficult. Mike is not handling these problems too well, we don't believe, which is to say he's totally bummed, and as a consequence, he has fallen behind on all correspondence directed to him through this website. He's currently trying to pull himself together and catch up, but it's not easy, he says.

Guido, we will note, has provided Mike much moral support and actually stooped yesterday--imagine this!--to eat hamburgers that Mike cooked on the Weber Grill. Just think of it: the great Italian master of the kitchen, eating a cheeseburger with Lawry's seasoned salt on it. We should have taken a picture. We could have sang the old Sesame Street classic, "One of these things is not like the other."

8-10-04 Lots of fantastic riding lately. The weather's been much cooler than normal, and much drier, and that means the cycling here in southern Illinois has been first-rate. On Sunday morning, Mike rode with some friends from Carbondale over to Chester, Illinois, and back--108 miles--and can't recall having a nicer ride. Plenty of flat roads, plenty of climbing, and oh man, don't forget pancakes and sausage at the McDonald's in Chester. That was some tres bon dining, Mike says.

Mike's has the Gunnar Crosshairs out again, too, which means his collarbone must be finally healing up, if he's willing to venture back into the forest and start hammering the firelanes once again. He's doing cross intervals a few days a week now, getting some great long rides in, having some quality family time, too, AND actually getting a bunch of work done as well. What possibly could be going so right with the world?

8-04-04 One great truth in the world: A 41-year-old man, on a large rollercoaster at Six Flags, is no match for a 7-year-old girl.

A corollary to this great truth: If age creates wisdom, wisdom creates fear; therefore, the 41-year-old man is terrified on the rollercoaster and does not have fun. His daughter will have a blast, but he will suffer and feel disoriented for days afterward.

Ha! We're exaggerating a bit. To use the passive voice, much fun was had by the Lummox.org staff at Six Flags in St. Louis, this Monday. Kudos to Mike's daughter Anne for riding the Ninja ten times!

Funny Heft on Wheels note. Somebody wrote in and told Mike about hearing Heft on Wheels refered to as THEFT on Wheels because the book promises to be a guide book and then, as it turns out, it isn't one. Oh no! Heft on Wheels: A Field Guide to Doing a 180 isn't a guide to anything. Mike says, Imagine that.

Well, the big news today is, after more than a month waiting, we've finally gotten our hands on Chef Guido's new recipe. Mike assures everybody that this is Guido at his very prosaic best! And if you don't like it with potatoes, boil you up some spaghetti noodles and serve em on the side instead. Ah!

Oh, and if anybody's up for group ride tonight at Carbondale Cycle, even though rain looks like it's a certainty, Mike will see you there.

And if you see Dave Neis, congratulate him on getting a job. We all have to admit, if our man Dave can get one, anybody can.

8-01-04 Just a short update today, people. We'll be back with an expanded update on Tuesday, with a fabulous new Guido recipe that Guido himself promises will not have the same purgative effect as his previous. [Ed. note: If you can read the previous sentence, you probably have a PhD in English, which means you're used to reading incomprehensible material and pretending you know what it means.]

Anyway, the entire Lummox.org staff is going on Monday to Six Flags in St. Louis for some much needed rollercoaster riding.

If you're new to the site, check out the old news. If you've sent Mike an email and haven't gotten a response, it will be in your mailbox shortly. If you think Guido is Mike, that's not true. Guido is not Mike. Send them emails. mike@lummox.org guido@lummox.org

7-26-04 It seems so very quiet now. One can't help noticing how empty life has become, now that the Tour de France is over. What shall we do to entertain ourselves next?

Mike's back at his desk this week. He's upstairs in the Lummox.org compound right now, clackity-clacking on his keyboard. We believe he's working on an article for Bicycling magazine, but he won't say. When he's working, he will only talk about food and cycling; when he's cycling, he will only talk about working. We know, because we've checked his email records, that he's responded to just about all the emails he's received in the last couple of weeks, so we can assume it's safe to send him email again. We assume, too, that he wants to hear from you, but then again, we can't say for certain. mike@lummox.org

His injuries, which we haven't mentioned in quite some time, have begun to heal quite well. His collarbone isn't quite as fused together as his doctors want it to be, but he's been able to ride regularly and reports steady improvement. He's doing intervals a few days a week; he's getting in long distance rides; he's recovering properly; an so on. Yesterday, though, he went for a long Sunday exploration road ride with a couple of his buddies--a Sunday in July in southern Illinois--and ended up logging 65 miles in 60-degree steady rain. He's still freezing, he says.

Guido came to the compound yesterday afternoon and hung around to watch the Argentina Brazil soccer match. Brazil, in case you didn't know, scored at the last possible moment to tie the match and then beat Argentina in penalty kicks. It was sad. Guido says, The fix is in for Brazil. We think he might be right. He's bummed, tough. Drop him a line. guido@lummox.org

Oh, and if you've read Heft on Wheels: A Field Guide to Doing a 180, and liked it, tell a friend.

7-18-04 Okay, what a lifetime can occur in a week! Don't you think? First off, everybody here at the Lummox.org compound has been literally going nuts about the Tour de France. Lance has been of course awesome, but what about that Frenchman, Thomas Voeckler? Wow! He's our hero. We're hoping World Cycling Productions will sell a poster of him this winter. We want one on our office wall. Oh, and Guido wants to point out that Ivan Basso, the great Italian, is putting in a supreme performance. Guido says, "My paisan can sure ride that bike!" And Guido says, "I'll betcha Ivan Basso don't eat dessert." Guido also wants it known that Mike Magnuson has no culinary class whatsoever. When Mike was in New York City last week, he stayed at a hotel that's a 30-second walk away from the Abruzzi Embassy, a restaurant that undoubtedly serves the finest veal in the city. And where did Mike eat supper? Subway. That's right: Mike had a tuna sub. Mamma mia! We can hardly blame Guido for his distress.

Let's see. Mike's heading to Milwaukee this week, and if you're in that neck of the woods, here's at least a couple of places where you can catch Mike:

On TV: WITI-TV "Wake Up News" He should be on round about 7:45 a.m. CST. Let's hope he's not wearing the same pants he wore on Cold Pizza.

In person: Harry W. Schwartz Bookshop. 2559 N. Downer Ave. He'll be giving a reading from Heft on Wheels: A Field Guide to Doing a 180 at 7 p.m. CST.

In print: There's an Associated Press story about Mike and his cycling obsession running nationwide all this week and next week. If you see it in your local newspaper, tell yourself, Hey, I know that guy.

7-12-04 Let's keep it simple today, people. Just the immediate news. We'll be back on Thursday with lots more. Meantime, if you're new to the site, read up on the old news, check out the old site, email Mike or Guido, ride bikes, order a copy of Heft on Wheels: A Field Guide to Doing a 180, watch the Tour de France, live good lives!

So Mike's heading to New York City tomorrow. Tomorrow night, starting at 12:30 a.m. Mike will be on the radio, on the Joey Reynolds Show. Check your local listings (does this make sense?) for the show's availability.

Wednesday morning, July 14, Bastille Day, tune in to ESPN II's Cold Pizza between 7:30 and 9:30 a.m. EST and please, please, do your best not to be embarrassed by Mike!

7-08-04 Wow, what a Tour de France so far! We hope you're all enjoying the race as much as we are. We basically haven't done squat but watch OLN and drink lots of coffee and endure Magnuson who, every time he sees Magnus Backstedt on the screen, flips out and hollers, "Look at him! The big Swede! 216 pounds!" So yeah. Watch the Tour. Maybe don't watch it with Mike, though. He's out of hand.

Don't watch it with Guido, either, because Guido would rather watch B-league soccer on TV or physically attend the morning program at the Murphysboro Center for the Performing Arts in Murphysboro, Illinois. Guido does, to his credit, have a framed poster of Paolo Bettini on his kitchen wall--near the knives, actually. Email Guido guido@lummox.org with your recipe suggestions. And ask him for dessert one of these times, will you? We're so very tired of the main course.

Email Mike, too, and complain about the appearance of this website. Like look at the navigation buttons at the top. Can't you do better than that, Mike? mike@lummox.org Seriously, Mike's been enjoying your emails. Keep em coming. Mike'll surely get back to you.

Stay tuned for a full report on Heft on Wheels, including the official word on Mike's upcoming trip to New York City. We'll back at you on the weekend. Meantime, we're gonna fit in some training before the Tour comes back on.

7-03-04 As we're certain all of you know, the Tour de France begins today. We'll be watching the race on OLN every morning on TV and, on our computer, reading the live updates from Daily Peloton You can find other websites with live updates and news of the Tour--and we're very certain you already know about them--but we like Daily Peloton the best. Anyway, enjoy the race. But don't forget to ride your bike for the next three weeks.

News of Heft on Wheels: A Field Guide to Doing a 180: Mike will be in New York City on July 14 and will appear on ESPN's Cold Pizza. He's on in the morning, early, so his appearance won't in any way conflict with your enjoyment of the Tour. Mike's also going to be talking about the Tour de France on Bloomberg Radio next week Tuesday, but we don't know the air time just yet. Meantime, folks seem to be reading the book, and we haven't received too many complaint letters about it, though we have received a few. Complaints are good, in our opinion. If you're writing in to Mike to complain, however, maybe you don't need to read him the riot act about how stupid his training program was when he lost all that weight. He KNOWS his training program was stupid and says as much in the book. But keep dropping Mike notes. mike@lummox.org He's doing his best to respond.

And speaking of emails, Chef Guido now has his own email address-- guido@lummox.org --and, boy oh boy, is Guido ever lonely. He's been crying for his mamma, he's so lonely. So pity him and drop him a note and let him know, like we always let him know, that you love him, but, man, Guido, can you make us something with a little less fat in it? We're in training here!

Training, you say? Mike's been in it bigtime this week, even though he's been taking it easy. He's recovery from last week's epic mileage and seems to be getting his form back. Sometime next week, we'll post a detailed account of his collarbone rehab, but for now, we're outta here for the holiday weekend.

6-29-04 So listen, Guido's got a new recipe today, and if you follow his directions, we promise you the end product will taste great. Still, we gotta tell you that Guido came over to the Lummox.org compound on Saturday and made this stuff, and owing to its combination of bacon fat, butter, olive oil and lots and lots of parmesan cheese, the Lummox.org staff can only describe the intestinal results as, well, cleansing. This is to say if you've been feeling a bit blocked lately, if the PowerBars and low-fat diet have combined to make you feel--how shall we say?--constricted, then Guido's recipe is for you.

Oh, and we're currently getting Guido his own Lummox.org email address, so you can complain directly to him, instead of to Mike, who is not even remotely a Guido. We'll keep you posted, as always. Meantime, write Mike mike@lummox.org and share your thoughts on the matter.

Training news: Mike didn't do squat yesterday, just some crunches in the morning and some general stretching throughout the day. When he gets back on the bike this afternoon, he will feel great. On Wednesday, if you're in the Carbondale area, stop by the group ride at Carbondale Cycle, 5:30 p.m., and put the hurt to Mike.

On an actual literary note (first one in, like, forever), Mike's teaching this week at the Young Writers' Workshop here at Southern Illinois University. In connection with that, on Thursday evening, eight o'clock, Harry T Moore Auditorium, Faner Hall, he'll give a reading from Heft on Wheels: A Field Guide to Doing a 180, and might even answer some questions, as long as they're simple.

Hit-you-up-for-a-donation note: A fellow named Justin Ide will be riding across Massachusetts this August in the Red Ribbon Ride, which raises money to fight AIDS. If you want to support Justin, follow this link: Justin Ide's Red Ribbon Ride Good luck, Justin!

6-28-04 Hey, all. Mike will be on the air tonight, on “Your Healthy Family,” with host Frankie Boyer. Check out Your Healthy Family for listings in your area.

News of the road and track and trail and Heft on Wheels: A Field Guide to Doing a 180 or whatever: Mike’s collarbone rehab has been coming along nicely, though today he feels like what Frank Zappa called “the puddle of piddle that used to be little.” He is beat up. In the last eight days, Mike has rolled more than 500 miles, a good portion of it at hammer tempo, and he very much needs a full day off the bike. He’s going to work at his desk and drink lots of water and attempt to reintegrate himself back into civilian life. True. When a person has serious injury (is a collarbone a serious injury?), the person can easily get to thinking that recovery is not possible, that the fitness will never been what it was, et cetera. Mike’s been in this position--biking means so much to Mike; he doesn’t want to lose it--and since he’s been cleared to ride, he’s flat-out been a cycling maniac. He can’t live that way, of course. Nobody should live that way. But there you go: Mike’s had his tantrum on the road and proven he can still ride himself till he can’t hardly stand up out of his chair. His shoulder will get better, and so will Mike. We hope. Chef Guido, by the way, is scheduled to hand over a new recipe later on today. We will post it tomorrow and provide commentary on the Lummox.org staff’s experience eating what Guido cooks. Warning: Our commentary might not be for the dainty! Anything else? Oh yeah. Mike’s been enjoying the emails you folks have been shooting his way. Drop him a note, especially this week, when he needs to stay off the bike as much as possible, and he’ll be happy to drop you a note back. mike@lummox.org And Dan Wickett, we hear, has been reading these news updates, just like you’ve been doing. Doesn’t it feel awesome to be doing what Mr. Wickett does?

6-24-04 Mike continues to ride outside, though with continuing lack of distinction, which is to say, folks, he ain't no speed demon just now; he's not ready to race; he couldn't hang with even a weenie-size surge in a race. Nevertheless, he attended the world-famous group ride at Carbondale Cycle last night and managed not to get dropped on the Wine Trail. He even threw down a bit of smack on Dutch Ridge, when, along with Ben Miller and John Reimbold, he simply couldn't let the new young punk on the Bianchi (dumb kid wasn't wearing a helmet) spend one more second off the front and on the attack. Mike says, "Was the hammer raised and did it fall? Yes, but after we blasted past the kid, we sat up and started talking and the kid caught up and probably thought we were pooped and didn't have it in us to really drop him." Mike should shut up and get back to working at his day job, don't you think?

Speaking of day jobs, a while ago, we made some snide remarks about Cyclingnews writer Rochelle Gilman, professional cyclist who broke her collarbone and was able to get an operation and get right back out there on the road. Nobody complained to us or anything, but they should have. Check out her latest couple of journal entries; she's still hurting, no doubt. We think she's a tough, awesome cyclist to be out there racing when she should be relaxing and healing.

And on other tough people: Mike's gotten emails from quite a few injured cyclists lately: broken thumbs, collarbones, hips, elbows, a jaw, a knee. It's literally endless how much we trash ourselves to enjoy our sport. So Mike's been hurt a few times? He's not unique. Drop him a note, though. He likes hearing what you're up to. mike@lummox.org

Oh, a technical comment: The link to the Chicago Sun Times interview with Mike doesn't get through to the article. We're working on a way to effect a reprint here on Lummox.org.

Media notes: Mike will be on a radio show called Your Healthy Family sometime next week. We'll post the exact time once it's available. He is also booked to appear on a National TV show, in New York City, on July 14, Bastille Day, but he's afraid to be specific about it because, well, he hasn't got his plane ticket yet. Once he gets the ticket, and finds some people to ride with in NYC, he'll let you know what's up.

6-21-04 Isn't this the longest day of the year or something? And shouldn't you be out riding?

In case you didn't get a copy of the Chicago Sun-Times yesterday--and, like, if you're not living in Chicago, we suspect you picked up another paper--you can read the following interview of Mike Magnuson here: Sun Times Feature

And for the great news: Mike got back on his bike this weekend and rode outdoors. 42 miles on Saturday and 73 miles on Saturday. He didn't set any world records and didn't take any risks whatsoever that could have caused a crash and consequent retrashing of his already trashed left collarbone--and of course he didn't listen to his doctor, who said, "No riding for 6 weeks"--but there it is, and there Mike was, biking again on the wonderful roads of southern Illinois. Mike's very happy, so much so that he will probably ride outside this afternoon and skip his scheduled day off from training.

If you haven 't read Guido's latest recipe yet, check it out. We're twisting his arm for another one pronto. He hung out for a while Saturday morning at the Lummox.org compound kitchen and drank coffee and shook his head in dismay while the Lummox.org staff blundered through an attempt at making coconut sorbet. It still tasted like crap the next day, Guido. You should have just made it yourself. We apologize for the formatting problem in the latest Guido update, too, but after several futile attempts at trying to fix it, well, as in the case of Charlie the Tuna, Guido, some things just ain't ever gonna work out right.

6-17-04 Just at the precise instant we think Guido won't come through, he comes through! Reminds us of the great Italian cyclists. Maybe. Anyway, drop everything and check out Guido's Ossobuco recipe; it's awesome. Tasty, too.

News of Heft on Wheels: A Field Guide to Doing a 180. We've got a bunch of upcoming mentions in the media and appearances on radio and the like, but we're going to hold off on the specifics till we put down our forks and quit eating what Guido has cooked up for us. Early next week, we're thinking.

A few people, incidentally, have written in to complain about Mike's attitude toward Chris Carmichael, and Mike's comment is this: "You ever once hear the guy talking when he isn't trying to sell you something?"

We've received word, too, that the August issue of Bicycling is trickling into various mailboxes nationwide, but we've not received our issue yet. Suffice it to say that Mike did in fact write the article in there about 24 hour mountain racing, and he tells us the pictures are hilarious, even if the experience itself might not have been.

Oh, and on a last, nonhilarious note: Mike spend 3 hours and 20 minutes on the trainer yesterday afternoon. That's 90 mins of the 2003 Giro and two Spinervals tapes: Suffer-o-rama and Muscle Breakdown. Mike says the beating was extreme. His friend and erstwhile coach, Mike Pease, says Magnuson will need therapy if he doesn't get back outside soon, and we agree.

6-15-04 Heft on Wheels: A Field Guide to Doing a 180. It's on sale now! You can get it! You can read it! You can dig it!

Well, that's over with. We're excited hereabouts today, though, despite our desire to remain dignified in all matters [what?], because we've been kinda hanging around and waiting for Heft on Wheels to be released for, um, months. But alas and alackaday, today's the day, the book's out, and we can now watch the resounding piffle of nonenthusiasm that typically accompanies the release of a book with an author like Mike Magnuson. Nah, we don't mean that, don't mean to sound jaded or anything. Hell, we're happy, and so is Mike. That's the whole point of Heft on Wheels, in fact--that a person can become happy and not have to feel slighted or underappreciated or any of that garbonzo. So ride on, people. Summer is well underway!

Anyway, you can find Heft on Wheels at all the usual online booksellers, and also, we have discovered, the book is available as an ebook, which, should we get bored and lack news in the next couple of weeks, we'll provide links to it, et cetera. If you can get the book at a real bookstore, of course, we recommend you do that.

A randomly cool remark about Heft on Wheels: J. Peder Zane, of the News Observer in Raleigh, NC, in his forecast for intriguing summer nonfiction titles, writes of Magnuson, "He drinks, smokes and eats like a pig, but writes like an angel. Now he wants to get in shape." We think that's awesome! That's an exact synopsis of Heft on Wheels, with the exception that we'd never say Magnuson writes like an angel. Oh, and Mike hasn't had a cigarette in more than 25 months, too. What do you think of that?

Collarbone update: It's starting to heal. Matter of fact, Mike has taken off that horrifying butterfly brace and is now managing, though with still some considerable pain, to wander about the world a little bit. He rode about 10 hours on the indoor trainer last week while he was up north at his family reunion, and this week, he'll be cranking out 3 hours a day, with hard intervals on alternating days. He's given this some serious thought and has decided, for video interval assistance, to use his trusted standard, Spinervals with good old Coach Troy. Mike admits that Chris Carmichael's tapes and methods are probably more scientific, but man oh man, Chris Carmichael is boring and exceptionally nonhuman, particularly in comparison with Coach Troy, who actually motives cyclists to work harder. Mike doesn't feel motivated at all by numbers and charts and graphs, even if those charts and graphs are used to train Lance Armstrong. So there you have it: Mike's going to hit the trainer hard all week and into next week. He sees the doctor on June 24--maybe earlier, if they can sneak him in--and then he's back on the road again.

Guido update: We have seen him in Carbondale, which is a good sign, and he has returned from Boca with some marvelous espresso beans, which, this very morning, are helping the Lummox.org staff to be chipper and zippy. Still, no recipe.

6-04-04 Some small news and some not-so-small news today, and then we'll crawl into the woodwork for a week and get our proverbial schmidt together and start working hard again on June 15, which is when Heft on Wheels hits the shelves.

Collarbone news: Well, what can we say? Mike's not in a mood to gripe, and neither are we in the mood to tell you about his griping, were he to do so. Mike's big trainer excitement yesterday was two hours of watching the 2002 Ghent-Wevelgem race, featuring Mario Cippolini's awesome into-the-wind bridge up to the breakaway with 25 k to go. What a race! Mike's friend Professor Sherkat has always insisted that the 2002 Ghent-Wevelgem is the ultimate Mario-festa, and it's true. Still, on the hours-indoors front, we've been having some discussion about just how much a person should ride indoors. Currently, Mike is very gung-ho, obviously, because he wants to keep his fitness and doesn't want his bike season to be ruined (he's 41, you know, and isn't wanting to lose anymore seasons than he already has), but if Mike logs 15 hours a week on the trainer for the next three weeks, possible four or five weeks, he's running a serious risk of ruining his season, anyway, which is to say by August he could be completely burned out. If you have any thoughts on this, please drop Mike a line. He could use advice. mike@lummox.org

Heft on Wheels news: Just yesterday, we received our copy of the hardcover. Looks awesome, of course, as if we'd say otherwise. We do note, however, that nowhere in the book's acknowledgments does Mike thank us, the Lummox.org staff, for putting up with him on a day-to-day basis. Mike thanks his riding buddies, his editors, his agent, his family, his yamma and yamma and yamma, but does he mention us? No, no, no. We're pissed. Nevertheless, despite Mike's typical thoughtlessness, we want again to remind you that Heft on Wheels: A Field Guide to Doing a 180 will be available, on June 15, wherever good books are sold. Order one today. [Staff note: How do you like that, Mikey? You ungrateful weenie.]

We'll be outta here then, till June 15. Mike, coincidentally, will be outta here, too, at a family reunion of sorts in northern Wisconsin.

6-03-04 Just in case you're wondering the difference between what happens to a professional cyclist with a broken collarbone and what happens to a bum like Mike Magnuson with a broken collarbone, check out this link. www.cyclingnews.com presents the Rochelle Gilmore diary 2004 You will note that Rochelle Gilmore broke her collarbone on nearly the SAME DAY Mike Magnuson did and, owing to surgery, will be racing this Saturday in Philadelphia. Can Mike, an ordinary citizen, get surgery for a break that is actually worse than Rochelle's? No. Mike's health insurance won't cover it. He'll have to heal the old-fashioned way, which means he's got to ride, with much pain, on the indoor trainer for at least the next three weeks, and when the bone finally heals, it will be permanently warped and mangled-looking. Oh well. We can look at this one from the honest perspective: Mike isn't exactly a world-class cyclist, so nothing really bad will happen if he doesn't ride outside till almost July. Meantime, Mike's cycling friends in Carbondale have provided him with dozens of bike-race videos, and we're pleased to report that Mike actually stayed in the saddle yesterday for TWO HOURS and watched Tyler Hamilton's magnificent victory in the 2003 Liege-Bastogne-Liege. Mike plans on working up to 15 hours a week on the trainer, including structured intervals, and he'll also undergo a rigorous walking-everywhere-he-goes program. This way, he believes, when he's cleared to ride again, he won't be totally out of shape like he used to be when he was a hang-out-in-the-tavern kind of guy.

A side note to this broken-bone-broken-man story: Quite a few folks have emailed Mike and mentioned that the website shouldn't have stressed his failure during the attempt to climb the Ventoux four times in one day. Mike still thinks he failed because, literally, he did; he didn't finish what he set out to do; but we agree with those who wrote in: It's a hell of a thing that Mike--considering his years of heavy drinking and smoking, et cetera--could be in the kind of physical condition to have climbed a major European col twice in a few hours and not feel tired at all. So sure, Mike didn't fail, but then again, is a moral victory a victory?

Oh, and since we're providing links today, check out this link to Velosport Vacation's Ride Provence. You should really sign up for the camps in August and September; the riding is totally awesome. Ride Provence And, as far as fully support cycling trips go, it's incredibly inexpensive.

In other news, we're hoping to wrangle another recipe out of Chef Guido, who is currently fishing off of bridges near the Intracoastal in Boca Raton and hanging out with professional football players and other important people, but we haven't been paying Guido enough money for his services, he tells us. He is also mentioning that his feelings are hurt because Mike went cycling in France instead of Guido's beloved Italy. Guido, we love you! We love Italy! We love your cooking! Send us another recipe!

6-01-04 We regret to say that, in this update, we're reporting a failure. Mike did not successfully climb Mont Ventoux four times in one day; in fact, he crashed heavily, as is often said in cycling journalism circles, on his second descent of the Ventoux and broke his collarbone and was unable to continue. He had to be taken from the mountain by helicopter. He is currently back in Carbondale recuperating, and, as of this update, we can't say how long it will take before Mike will be back on his bike. After seeing the doctor this morning, Mike hopes to get on his indoor trainer, but we'll just have to see.

Mike has told us, though, that, despite his injuries, he really enjoyed his time in France. He wants to extend his thanks to the good folks at Velosport Vacations--in particular, Jean-Luc, Mike, Cathy, Chris, and Jaqui. He says this: "If you ever want to do some kickass cycling in France, try Velosport's Ride Provence. You'll have the time of your life."

In other news, Heft on Wheels will be on sale everywhere in fifteen days. We'll post of lots of stuff about the book as we get closer to the publication date.

And keep an eye out for the August issue of Bicycling magazine (which should be available in three weeks or so). Mike will have what think is a fairly hilarious article in there about 24-hour mountain bike racing.

5-21-04 After yet another tough week of Carbondale training, Mike hereby declares himself ready to take on the Ventoux. He departs in the morning and will report again here on Memorial Day, when, the good Lord willing, Mike will be stateside again.

5-18-04 Here's hoping all of you are having wonderful lives. Here at lummox.org, we are not. While Mike was in North Carolina, one of our adroit staff members opened an email sent to mike@lummox.org --a email with a here's-the-file-you-requested subject heading--and voila, the official lummox.org computer was trashed. Everything has vanished! Nevertheless, Mike Magnuson, he who has a name suggesting magnanimity, didn't get pissed and instead vowed to figure out what the hell went wrong and get it fixed. The problem is fixed now--sort of--and although the fonts and some other stuff on the website are now screwed up--well, who cares? Let the professional websites look professional! Let lummox.org look like lummoxes made it! Anyway, we're still having problems with the email configuration, so if you've sent Mike an email anytime since May 13, he hasn't been able to open it up yet. Soon, soon.

Mike had an awesome time riding in North Carolina. He spent much quality time on the Blue Ridge Parkway and attempted some ridiculous feats like climbing Beech Mountain (the descent is very scary!) and going to the Wednesday night group ride, in the rain, at Magic Cycles in Boone (them guys is fast!) and eating a half a pound of chocolate-mint fudge in downtown Blowing Rock (what kind of dieting is that?). He wants to thank Michael Gray, for being a good sport on the rain ride and not totally crushing Mike on the big climb. And also thanks to a character named Uncle Scrappy, who let Mike take shelter in a horse barn when a thunderstorm struck. Mike is planning on heading back to North Carolina in late June to ride in the Blood, Sweat, and Gears; stay tuned for more information thereunto appertaining.

In other news, Mike heads for France this Saturday and will be in Provence for the week, and on Thursday, May 27, he will make the official attempt at becoming a Galerian du Ventoux, a person who has climbed Mont Ventoux four times in one day. The advance word is that the road is being resurfaced from Bedoin to the top (the famous route and the route for this year's Dauphine Libere time trail), which might cause some difficulty but not enough to halt the assault, as it were.

And Heft on Wheels continues to roll (ha!) toward its publication date, June 15. Please order your advance copy at Amazon or wherever books are sold, and, for the love of Pete, ignore that Publisher's Weekly review that says the book is boring. We figure the review was written by a cigarette-smoking slacker and very much needs to ride a bike!

5-09-04 Mike was over in Bradleyville, Missouri, yesterday, competing in the Inaugural Dogwood Cycling Classic. What a race! Seriously. Mike says it's one of the best races around, and just to let you know what kind of person Mike is, he is saying the race is great, and, well, shoot, he finished 11th in the Cat IV-V race. This is to say he had fun and still got his ass beat. Does that mean Mike has problems?

Anyway, Mike hopes the Ozark Cycling Club (very cool people, by the way) holds the race next year. If they do, he'll be there, and hopefully that little annoying St. Louis runt on the orange Orbea won't be. [Ed. note: We are trying not to mention that Mike got pissed off at a punk kid after the race because the punk kid was acting like a punk. The truth is, people, if you are racing in a Cat IV-V race, you should relax and enjoy the experience; you are not riding in the World Championships.] Oh, and we'd like to extend congratulations to Team Mack member Ben Miller, who placed 5th in the III-IV race and won the King of the Mountains! Great job, Ben! Congrats, too, to Anthony Steinbock, for placing 12th in the IV-V race. And to John Reimbold, for finishing and driving the team van.

Meantime, Mike leaves Carbondale tomorrow morning for Blowing Rock, North Carolina, for a week of hill training. Look for him on the Parkway, on Beech Mountain, and, on Wednesday, the famous Mount Mitchell Climb from Marion to NC80 and on to the top. Ouch, that's gonna hurt. Oh, and if you want to confirm that the cyclist you are dropping on one of these climbs is indeed Mike Magnuson, he will be the guy in the Team Mack uniform, riding the awesome Red and Blue Gunnar Crosshairs.

5-04-04 Check out the new Guido. And consider this fine nugget of old wisdom from David Lee Roth: "Stand up. The more you do it, the less you fall down."

5-03-04 A very kickback day in Carbondale. Mike's mileage for the last training week exceeded 350 miles, and he's toast. Kaput. And, oddly enough, despite the heavy mileage, he's a couple of pounds heavier than a week ago. He doesn't quite understand this, but then again, he ate supper at Red Lobster last night. Terrible stuff, by the way. Red Lobster, in Mike's opinion, sucks.

Speaking of better food and better times, we got a call from Guido last evening, and he says he's actually written a new recipe. With luck, we'll post it tomorrow.

Mike's resting for the midweek classic, Wednesday, at Carbondale Cycle. Check out the message board on the SIU Cycling Club website for more details.

Wait! Newsflash. At this very moment, right when we're about to publish the update to this website, Mike has given us a call and said he's just taken a big dump and is no longer a couple of pounds heavier than he was at this time last week.

Lots of epic days in the training department lately. Mike's getting closer and closer to his insane May objective: to climb Mont Ventoux four times in one day, three ways up on the road, one way up on the dirt. After he does that, which he won't at this point accept anything but that he WILL make it up four times, he'll focus on road races every three weeks for the remainder of the summer. Crazy stuff. But it's all positive. Mike's weight as of this morning at seven o'clock: 168 pounds. That's the lightest he's been since seventh grade, and without question he's the fittest he's ever been. However, his lightness and fitness was certainly not enough last evening to win the climb from Makanda, IL, to the Smiley Face water tower on US Highway 51. Is it worth describing how Mike valiantly struggled to catch up and how at one point he drew closer, almost within reach? But couldn't quite do it? And should we speculate about next time up the Smiley Face?

Forget it. Mike likes group ride a lot. The midweek classic, it should be called. You ever come to Carbondale on a Wednesday evening, you're missing something awesome if you miss group ride. See you at Carbondale Cycle, 5:30 pm.

Speaking of classics: Mike will travel with a couple of southern Illinois Team Mackers to Missouri on May 8 for the Inaugural Dogwood Cycling Classic, a 53-mile road race with 2600 feet of climbing. Check out St. Louis Biking below for an event flyer.

Oh, and a couple of folks have asked questions about the upcoming release of Heft on Wheels: A Field Guide to Doing a 180--whether Mag will go on a book tour and embarrass himself like he did when his book Lummox came out. As of now, the answer is no. Mike wants to spend the summer riding his bike; he wants you to spend your summer riding a bike, too. If you can squeeze in reading his book between rides, that's cool. He appreciates your support.

Last: We have found Chef Guido and strong-armed him into writing another wonderful recipe, which he will dedicate to this year's winner of Amstel Gold, Fleche Wallone, and Leige-Bastogne-Leige, Davide Rebellin. Look for the recipe in a few days.

4-25-04 Nonsurprising news flash! Mike Magnuson is a weenie! He did not race Cat IV in yesterday's Apple Pie Road Race; in fact, he did not race at all. Why? Let's ask him:

Mike: I was afraid I might slip in the middle of the race and crash and break something major.

Lummox.org: You've crashed before. Hell, last summer, you got hit by a truck! What's the big worry about a little crash in the rain?

Mike: I guess the truth is I'm a weenie, just like you're telling me I am. I mean, I like to race and everything--it's really an awesome experience to be out there on the edge in a bike race--but what I like better is being able to keep riding my bike during the week. I like to train. I like to be in good physical condition. Missing a race because of some safety worries? Man, I won't lose any sleep over it.

4-23-04 It's official: Mike Magnuson is now a USCF Cat IV road racer. He has catted up, along with his trusty philosophical teammate Tony Steinbock, and will race with the IVs in the Apple Pie Road Race on Saturday--in support of Dr. Steinbock, of course. For info on the race, check out the St. Louis Biking site below. For post-race interviews and Mike's comments, check back here later in the weekend. Well, maybe we won't have interviews.

In other news, our famous cycling friend Pigman tells us he is now wearing "pigtails" on his pig helmet. We have asked him to send us a digital picture of his new configuration, and once it arrives, we'll post it.

Mike's training, in case you've been wondering, is moving forward in a relatively unpathetic way, which is to say he's still motivated and still having fun on the bike. In late May, he will travel to France and attempt to climb the legendary Mont Ventoux four times in one day, qualifying himself for membership in a French brotherhood known as the Nuts of Ventoux. In support of this attempt, Mike will be in Blowing Rock, North Carolina, from May 10 through May 15, training on the Blue Ridge Parkway and on portions of the courses for the Blood, Sweat, and Gears and the Bridge to Bridge. He might even drive to Marion one of those days and do the Mt. Mitchell climb from the campground up. Anyway, if you're in the area during that week and feel like putting the hurt to Mike, drop him a note, then, when you ride with him, feel free to drop him!

We're back, we hope. You must excuse the general lack (have we said this before?) of enthusiasm for updates on the site. Mike's been busy, everybody's been busy, and so on. There's much afoot, however, in lummoxland, or former lummoxland, or whatever you want to call it. Mike's new book, Heft on Wheels: A Field Guide to Doing a 180, will be on sale on June 15, and you of course can preorder it from Amazon or any of the other usual online suspects. If you want to buy the book the proper way, please go to your local independent bookseller and ask for the book.

What else? We've got a couple of linky-type things below, obviously having to do with cycling. In not too long, we'll post some non-cycling linky-type things, probably having to do with cool books and authors and the like.

9-14-03 Please excuse, if you will, the nonexisting updates. Mike's been biking, writing, living, et cetera. Currently, he's developing a new website, which will be geared more toward cycling and a heck of lot less toward all things lummox. Meantime, Mike will definitely be in Lenoir, NC, next Sunday to ride in the Bridge to Bridge Incredible Cycling Challenge, and he will definitely be in Conyers, GA, on October 18 and 19 to ride solo in the 24 Hours of Adrenaline.

2-24-03 For those of you who may be receiving the April issue of Bicycling magazine in the mail, yes, it's true: the Mike Magnuson associated with this site is the Mike Magnuson whose article appears in Bicycling. Mike takes his cycling very seriously and is continuing to train hard for The Assault on Mount Mitchell, which will be held on May 17. Mike's current weight: 177 pounds. Ain't that something? That's practically an 80-pound drop. Tell you what, should you want to drop Mike a line and ask him what it's like to be much, much skinnier than he used to be, feel free. He's talkative about that subject.

In other news, somebody from Eau Claire, Wisconsin, identifying himself as Lucky Littlefield, sent Mike a bunch of weird short stories and strange note about Joe's Garage. If you are this person, please identify yourself; otherwise, Mike's putting your stories in the recycling bin, okay?. Thanks.

2-05-03 Mostly nothing to report. Mike's training, writing, being a pain in the ass, and getting excited about the teachings of Bruce Lee: "Using no way as way; having no limitation as limitation." That's heavy shit. Really.

We don't know what's up with Guido these days, other than he's finally submitted a recipe, and we have posted it. We hear he's currently in Deerfield Beach attempting to get the Rocky back into his Balboa. We wish him luck.

1) Mike's being very mellow and relaxed and nonmedicated in Carbondale, though there's currently some very very interesting goings-on at Southern Illinois University Carbondale. That's right: The faculty's gonna go on strike. Mike, we are happy to report, is not going on strike, even though he's a tenured faculty member of SIUC. You wanna ask him why he will not strike: He's in his office--2226 Faner Hall--Monday and Wednesday and Thursday afternoons, and he'll be pleased to talk with you then.

For further info on the strike, check out The Daily Egyptian online. http://www.dailyegyptian.com One of Mike's students is doing a kickass job handling the editorial page during this fiasco. He's proud of her.

2) Mike's hard in training for two epic cycling events in May. He'll be riding in the 3 State 3 Mountain Century in Chattanooga, Tennessee, May 3, and on May 17, Mike will ride in the legendary Assault on Mount Mitchell. Of course, as these events draw closer, we'll provide you with much information. Meantime, keep your eyes open for the April issue of Bicycling Magazine. Mike will have an article in there.

3) Mike's also hard at work on a new novel and will be done in a few months. He will not divulge its contents just yet.

4) Chef Guido is reportedly coming up with a new recipe, but we've heard he's been busy writing sonnets about bonefishing in the Keys and has gotten, shall we say, behind.

Q. Mike, what's with that short haircut? Who do you think you are? Lance Armstrong?

Q. What do you feel about changing from novelist to sous-chef in your thirty-ninth year?

Q. Do you really roll around on a stability ball every morning while your coffee brews?

1-14-03 We have received numerous emails asking us if Mike has flipped the fuck out. Here's his answer: No, I have not flipped the fuck out. We have also received numerous emails wondering if it's true that Mike has quit smoking and drinking and has lost nearly seventy pounds. Here's his answer: Yes. The obvious question, then, is Mike still a Lummox, and does anybody give a shit?

1-13-03 Mike has returned safely and happily from Manitowoc, where, along with a wonderful photo shoot at Shimon/Lindemann Headquarters, he enjoyed a massive T-bone at the Harborside Restaurant. Guido would not have enjoyed it, however.

Speaking of Guido, we have word that he will soon post a new recipe and that he is no longer in Florida. God only knows where Guido is. Are you reading the website, God? Do You know?

1-09-03 In probably not the most startling development in world news today, Mike Magnuson has shaved his legs and has taken the Lummox.org pickup truck from Carbondale north to Manitowoc, Wisconsin, ostensibly for a photo shoot with the great photography team of Shimon/Lindemann. All he can say about this photo shoot is that, well, he feels it's time for all that fuzz on his legs to go.

1-08-03 We are back. Let us not speak of what has gone on in our absence. Magnuson's kind of a different person lately, but he's okay. Any moment now, HarperCollins will release the paperback version of Lummox, which has a superlong subtitle, not the same subtitle as the hardcover, but it's the same horrifying book on the inside. It's cheap, too. The subtitle, in case you're interested, is The Trials & Triumph of a Modern Man with More Muscle Than Money (and a whole lot of heart).

Anyway, we'd like to introduce you to Chef Guido, the Official Chef of Lummox.org. He is not Mike Magnuson, just in case you think he is. If you need proof, please note that this week Chef Guido is on vacation in South Florida. You wanna find him: look for his twin brother in Boca.

Mike Magnuson remains in Southern Illinois, where, if you're ambitious, you can find Mike riding his bicycle through the countryside every afternoon. Go to the Spillway near Crab Orchard Lake: look for the guy in Hi-Vis Lime Green. You won't recognize Mike at first, but if you talk with him a while, you'll realize that's still him in there. Really it is.

1-30-06 The eternal question: How old IS Dave Neis? And how many MILFs does Guido know?

10-19-04 Bubba #1 Magnuson gets ninth in the B race [note: old scrolls have moved to the very bottom of the page.]