February 6, 2002

February 6, 2002

YOU’RE GONNA STICK THAT INTO A CHICKEN?

Here’s proof that abnormal behavior is not only fun but tastes great, too!


One chicken
One large ripe lemon
Salt
Black pepper
Pepper Sauce

Preheat oven to 350.

Take your chicken and do a good job cleaning it out, which means you gotta remove the neck and liver and heart and gizzard or whatever else the chicken factory left in her, and after you’re done with all that, rinse the chicken but do not pat her dry. Proceed to heavy salting: cover her outsides thoroughly. Next, put some black pepper on her and smear her with a thin coating of pepper sauce.

Place chicken, breast down, on #1: 9 X 13 cheap sheet-cake pan with rack. Breast down is key because you’re trying to create an environment here where the lemon you’re going to stick into her will spooge the maximum quantity of its juices into the maximum portion of her meat.

Take your lemon and roll it back and forth on the counter with your palm. Mash it. Massage it. Treat it horribly and tell it you’ll love it no matter what. Your object here is to loosen up the lemon, to bust open all its little juiceticles inside, and thereby reach an understanding with it. You’re familiar with the drill. When the lemon feels soft and pliable, take a small knife and cut four small holes equidistant around its middle.

Stick lemon in chicken cavity.

Put in oven and bake for one hour.

Remove chicken from oven, make sure she’s okay, then flip her over and bake her again for another thirty minutes or so, or until her skin’s browned to that pleasant crispness we all dream about in chickens.

Eat.