1. Performance Classic Cycling Short. XXL.

2. Wrangler Relaxed-Fit Jeans. Size 42.

3. Hanes crew socks.

4. Flannel shirt from Eddie Bauer (Christmas present). XL/XG

5. Jockey Classic Brief. Size 40.

6. Wrangler bandana

7. Selection of $4 T-shirts from Wal-mart. XL

8. Performance Classic CoolMax Short Sleeve Jersey silkscreened with Carbondale Cycle logo. XXL

9. Classic Green Bay Packers V-neck T-shirt.

LUMMOXES DON’T DRESS UP FOR BIG OCCASIONS

Lummox models, left to right:
1) Magnuson
2) Michael Feldman
Thanks to Wisconsin Public Radio and Public Radio International

Fashion Archive

1. 9 X 13 cheap sheet-cake pan with rack.

2. Mirro chicken fryer.

3. Large roaster. *

4. Expensive large sautZ pan with thick glass cover. *

5. Dinky sauce pan.

6. 16 quart kettle with glass cover. *

7. Cheap combination sauce pan, steamer, double boiler.

8. Plastic colander.

9. Assortments of cheap spices and stuff procured at the Wal-mart SuperCenter in Carbondale, Illinois.



*Denotes gift from mother-in-law.

WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR PORK LOIN.

This is a fine way for cooking and therapy to become one.





One big pork loin

Salt

Pepper

Pepper Sauce







Place raw pork loin on platter, give him a hard look, and tell him you're really disappointed with him. He's been nothing but trouble all these years.



Make him suffer. Salt him as heavily as possible, and pepper him, and pepper-sauce him. Then cover him with plastic wrap and let him be alone in the refrigerator for a few hours.



When you think he's been cold and miserable long enough, remove him from the refrigerator, and let him stand on the counter while you preheat the oven to 325.



Place him on #1 9 X 13 Cheap sheet-cake pan with rack and don't bother feeling guilty about this.



Put in oven and bake for a two to three hours. The bigger he is, the longer he'll take, which only stands to reason, but just because he gets crusted up to a tremendous golden brown after two hours doesn't mean he's done. You should know by now that you can't trust him, no matter what he tells you. You'll need to poke him with a meat thermometer and make sure he's cooked to 170 degrees before you can be certain he's learned his lesson.



Eat.

Food Archive

1. TREK 5200 OCLV 120 Carbon Fiber Road Racer.

2. Specialized Pro Road cycling shoes. Speedplay cleats.

3. Wrench Force Pump. Schraeder and Presta compatible.

4. A Soviet-style, rebuilt NordicTrack, cobbled together from three different models of used NordicTracks.

5. Homemade abdominal roller machine.

6. Books. Just to the left of the 6, you will note the two beige Random House hardcover volumes of C.K. Scott Moncrieff's classic translation of Marcel Proust's Remembrance of Things Past. You will find extensive reference to these exact volumes in Lummox: The Evolution of a Man. The collected works of Padgett Powell are to Proust's left. Thomas Pynchon's Vineland is to Proust's right.

7. Not pictured: A cycling helmet. Lummox.org demands that you wear a helmet whenever you're riding a bicycle.

DON’T LET THE WEATHER KEEP YOU FROM HAMMERING

Illustration #1:



Illustration #2:

Here we have a man riding his bicycle indoors, thus proving that, even when the weather is crappy—when snow falls or when it’s the middle of the night and unsafe to ride outside—a person can always sit on the bike and keep the legs in tune. Just get yourself an indoor trainer, attach your bike to it, and get to work. [Note: for indoor training, Mike does not use his TREK 5200 he uses instead his ancient 1985 Miyata 512.]

In Illustration #1, Mike’s sitting and spinning at a gearing of 39 X 13, which means he’s using the small chain ring up front and the 15-tooth cog in the back, and he’s making sure to spin at 100 RPM and to keep his upper body as relaxed as possible. He will hold this sit-and-spin position for a half an hour, alternating between 110-120 RPM one minute and 90-100 RPM the next. This alternating method is known as surges and is guaranteed to put at least a minor hurt to you. If you look at Mike carefully, you can tell he’s suffering.

In Illustration #2, we see how to ride out of the saddle and go nowhere at all. Mike’s using a 53 X 13 gearing and will stay out of the saddle, pedaling at 85-RPM, for eight minutes, after which time he will pedal easy for three minutes, take in fluids and hope to God he doesn’t barf them out.

Fitness Archive